Bromosexual Subculture Explored in Upcoming Book by Wayne James

Wayne James, former senator and author of the critically acclaimed Manly Manners: Lifestyle & Modern Etiquette for the Young Man of the 21st Century (2016), has just penned an eye-opening, jaw-dropping blogpost titled, “Bromosexuals:  The Naked Truth.”

The ‘bromosexual’ is arguably the foremost emerging social phenomenon of modern men’s lifestyle,” James said. “It’s a masculine behavioral construct that is little-known and less understood. Even online slang dictionaries offer opposing definitions of the term.”

Men’s subculture, however, essentially defines the bromosexual as a man’s man:  the über-male who is so masculine that—ironically—he prefers the company of men over that of women. Not to be confused with “bromance,” which describes an intimate, but platonic, relationship between two men regardless of their respective sexuality, the term “bromosexual” is a mash-up of “bro,” which is the shortened form of “brother,” and “homosexual.”  Essentially, he is a jock-type who has intimate, sexual relations with other jock-types, his homosexuality or bisexuality hidden behind a veil of virility. The operative term within the term “bromosexual” is “sex.”

 “Mere men are Homo sapiens; but bromosexuals are Bromo sapiens,” James said.  “Metrosexualsneed not apply, and effeminate men simply do not qualify.  To be admitted into the ranks of the bromosexual, a man must appear unmistakably—and stereotypically—heterosexual:  the fireman; the construction worker; the Harley-Davidson leather-clad biker; the NFL player; the Wall Street womanizer. And he is oftentimes the most vocal critic of non-hetero sexuality. But looks are oftentimes deceiving, and actions speak louder than words.”

James’ groundbreaking blogpost traces the bromo phenomenon from its early manifestations in college fraternity houses, to its prevalence in prisons, to how it is camouflaged in traditions of “boys’ night out” and “men-only” fishing trips. 

“This is the opposite of Brokeback Mountain or Life on the Down Low,” James said.  “This is man-on-man sex in plain view, but behind your back. A bromosexual and his ‘bro’ workout together, eat together, party together, vacation together, are friends with each other’s wives.  To the unwitting, their relationship is a platonic bromance—just two friends ‘joined at the hips,’ “ James said.

Wayne James is currently writing a 300-page book on this emerging lifestyle. Based on personal observation, Bromosexuals:  In Plain View—Behind Your Back, is scheduled for a September 2021 publication.    

Bromosexuals: The Naked Truth

Bromosexuals: The Naked Truth

Wayne James, author of Manly Manners

ManlyManners2020@gmail.com

Overview:

A “bromosexual” is a man’s man—literally and figuratively. To the naked eye, he is not only heterosexual, he is the über-male, the embodiment of testosterone on steroids, the last man on planet Earth to be suspected of being gay or bi-sexual. Mere men are Homo sapiens; bromosexuals are “Bromo sapiens.” But, alas, looks are oftentimes deceiving…. The bromosexual espouses beards, babes, and barbells. But he adores his “Bro” every bit as much. And “ay, there’s the rub.”

If pressed, the bromosexual will admit that the exceedingly close friendship he enjoys with his special “bro” is a “bromance.” But all bromances are not created equal:  On one hand, a bromance is simply an intimate, platonic relationship between two men, regardless of their respective sexual orientation; bromance à la bromosexual, however, is an intimate, sexual relationship between two men who appear unequivocally heterosexual. And in the 21st century, bromosexual bromances abound—in front everybody’s face, yet behind everybody’s back. To put it more succinctly—even if admittedly more crassly—bromosexuals are cock-friends masquerading as jock-friends.   

By definition, every red-blooded bromosexual will vehemently deny—even to the point of resorting to physical violence—that there is a sexual component to his bromantic pursuits, even when, as is oftentimes the case, sex is the raison d’être for the friendship itself. The world of the bromosexual is one of D-words:   disguise, dares, disclaimers, and dicks.  In essence, he is “on the DL”—but in plain view. The unwitting observer is never to deduce that the bromosexual’s preoccupation with things masculine goes hand-in-hand with his preoccupation with males.

If there had to be a poster boy for the bromosexual, he would be swarthy, hairy, and brawny:  the fireman; the construction worker; a Harley-Davidson biker; an NFL player. But in reality, he comes in all shapes and sizes, from college jock to jockey to lumberjack. Prerequisite No. 1 for attaining “bromo” status, however, is a decidedly (even if stereotypically so) masculine persona. Therefore, metrosexuals need not apply, and femme-types do not qualify.  Essentially, a bromo (short for bromosexual), whether bi or homo, must appear 110% hetero:  He must be able to exist under the radar of gaydar. Prerequisite No. 2 is a wife or a long-term girlfriend and natural-born or adopted children/stepchildren. (Alternatively, a bromo must have at least one baby-momma.) These female counterparts are essential to the credibility of the putative platonic nature of the bromosexual’s bromance and are referred to as “cover-girls” or “beards.”    

The term “bromosexual” is a mash-up of “bro,” which is the shortened form of “brother,” and “homosexual.” The origin of the species seems to have emerged from the hyper-masculine iconic elements of gay culture such as Tom of Finland, wrestling porn, leathermen, and SMBD (Sado-Masochism Bondage and Discipline).

Despite Herculean advancements—such as the legalization of same-sex marriage and the proliferation of alternative forms of sexuality in mainstream media—stigma persists vis à vis all forms of sexuality except heterosexuality.  And of all the various expressions that unfold along the continuum of human sexuality, it is the bromosexual who remains the most ensconced in denial. But that should come as no surprise since the goal of the bromosexual, by definition, is to appear super-hetero. Thus, unlike the other non-traditional expressions of sexuality that have taken up their posts in the trenches in order fight for change, acceptance, and tolerance, the bromosexual, despite his characteristic machismo, has not only hidden behind a veil of virility, but has oftentimes actively sabotaged the cause either through non-participation, or, worse yet, by aligning with the opposition via vociferous hate-speech, gay-bashing, and subterfuge.      

The Making of the Bromosexual:

Bromosexuals tend to thrive in three principal habitats: in fraternity houses on college campuses; in prisons; and in the gathering places for “boys’ night out.”

Fraternity Houses

For the young man who leaves his home and hometown to go off to college, his school becomes a ground-zero for self-rebranding. Away from family and friends, he is able to begin anew the journey towards becoming his own man.  And in that fertile environment of self-realization, a fraternity house is a veritable laboratory for sexual experimentation. In that hormone-charged milieu, the layers of sexuality are peeled away and dissected, uncovering and laying bare the young man’s true sexual anatomy.  Fraternity brothers are typically a ready, willing, and able test-group to assist in the probing.  

In Western culture, the university years are traditionally very forgiving years.  Young people are allowed, or even encouraged, to let their hair down and be free, the tacit understanding being that what happens in college stays in college—that upon departing the hallowed halls of academia, one’s slate will be wiped clean of all adolescent indiscretions. But while in generations past such unconventional goings-on would waft away on the winds of time into the recesses of oblivion, today, with the ubiquitous mobile device and surveillance cameras, engaging is risqué behavior can have life-long ramifications.  

But as the saying goes, “Boys will be boys….”  And everyone knows what happens when boys play house…. Enter:  the D-words:  a dare is ostensibly what prompted two  certifiably  heterosexual frat brothers to deep-kiss each other; the disclaimer “No homo!” is declared above the laughter when one frat brother pulls down his pants, pops out his penis,  and passes it across the lips of his sleeping brother; and drugs—from alcohol to pot to ecstasy—are the catch-all justifiers for a frat boy behaving outside the boundaries of heterosexuality. Anecdotal evidence is replete with tales of initiates being required to succumb (no pun intended) to the sexual demands of senior members; of en masse masturbation circles; of orgies where the number of males far exceeds that of females. At frat houses, in addition to all the “mooning” and “flashing” and “streaking” and “sizing-ups,” shower-room towel fights are almost obligatory. And where there are towel fights, there is nudity. But “pranks,”  “horseplay,” “roughhousing,” and “alcohol”—never bisexuality or homosexuality—are the scapegoats for such shenanigans.   Thus, the bromosexual is born. And to conceal his newly revealed sexuality, the bromosexual serial-dates college women or claims to be in a committed long-distance relationship with some phantom female….

Prisons

Sex amongst inmates is officially prohibited in most prisons the world over.  But it occurs. There are the men who form couples, and there are the men who engage in random or occasional sex-acts.  Regardless, prison etiquette dictates: don’t see; don’t tell. 

Male-on-male sex in prison is typically regarded as a fact of life behind bars. And those who, for whatever reason, indulge in such activities are generally afforded the requisite privacy. The inmates most likely to verbalize objection to prison sex, however, are the bromosexuals, for it is they who tend to have the greatest need to convincingly demonstrate their heterosexuality to fellow inmates. While gay and bi-sexual men tend to empathize or sympathize with prison sex even if they themselves do not engage in it; and while heterosexual men tend not to concern themselves with it, their focus being on returning to their wives, children, and girlfriends; the bromosexual inmate tends to be noticeably vociferous—and critical—about the sexual goings-on in prison.  Much of the sex-related gossip, gay-bashing, snitching, etc., in prison is perpetrated by bromosexuals, all the while engaging surreptitiously in the very activities they outwardly condemn. As the saying goes, “Show me a homo-hater, and I’ll show you a bromo-lover.”   

For the unwitting or novice, the bromosexual’s anti-gay/bi antics can be quite convincing, leaving the naïve observer believing that the bromosexual is the last person on Earth who would be gay. But for the inmate with an acumen for men’s motivational behavior, the bromosexual’s protestations are illustrative of his sexual ambiguity.  In essence, behavior is the barometer of the bromosexual. 

Once again, the D-words rear their ugly heads. The bromosexual’s modus operandi vis à vis prison sex is:  deny, deceive. delude. His bromosexual existence depends on those devices; his true sexuality must go undetected even to the most sexually intuitive.  As such, the bromosexual engages in behavior that is aimed at diverting attention from the sexual component of his prison bromance. 

Much of the bromosexual’s distractionary behavior centers around three activities:

a)- weight-lifting

b)- open-area visitations

c)-Spades

Weight-Lifting

Pumping iron is a metaphor of sorts for masculinity. It is high irony, therefore, for the weight pile to be one of the gayest sites in prisondom. Thus, it is there that bromosexuals congregate. Unlike other inmates, who, confident in their sexuality, find one workout partner, paying no attention to what other might think or say about the pairing, the  bromosexual, ever mindful to conceal his sexuality, typically works out in groups of three or four so as  not to give any definitive indication as to who is his primary workout partner.  For the bromosexual, there is nebulousness in numbers.

For the bromosexual, weight-training allows for male intimacy in plain view, yet disguised:  spotting affords the reclined bro an eyeful. Men who workout together monitor each other’s muscles; compliment each other on their physical progress;  greet each other with chest-thumping or shoulder-punching rather than a handshake or a fist-pump. They  massage each other’s muscles when the inevitable injuries occur; they enter[WJ1]  the shower room together after long, sweaty, workout sessions; they manscape each other’s hard-to-reach/see body parts.  Workout buddies cook and eat almost every meal together, ostensibly to ensure each other’s nutritional intake. Because of their mutual obsession with the prison pastime of developing their physiques, numerous opportunities arise for bros to spend time together—from early morning rendezvous to prepare and share pre-workout “breakfast sandwiches” to late-night hookups to guzzle down protein shakes before bidding each other a good night.  Arousal in the presence of a bro is explained away as “overactive steroids,” a “longing for female interaction,” or even a “penis workout.” (After all, the penis is made of muscles too!)  Anal penetration is not sex; it is a prostate massage. And late-night mutual masturbation in adjoining toilet or shower stalls is conducive to restful sleep and should not be interpreted as homo-erotic indulgences.  

Open-Area Visitation

There are men, who, despite being married or involved in long-term relationships with women, constantly boast about their various and sundry sexual liaisons with other women.  Those men oftentimes speak disparagingly about females, referring to them as “bitches” and providing graphic details about their conquests of the “pussy.” In prison, those men are almost always bromosexuals. And it is during open-area visitation that they seize the opportunity to prove their commitment to heterosexuality to both the female visitors and fellow male inmates.  Thus, it is the bromosexual who is almost always sanctioned for inappropriate sexual contact during visitations:  groping, fondling, intimate kissing, etc. And as they are carried off to the S.H.U. (Special Housing Unit) for misconduct, it is their “bro” who most grieves the violator’s absence, oftentimes becoming “asfixiado,” Spanish for “suffocated,” the term used by Puerto Rican inmates to describe the phenomenon whereby an inmate mourns the separation from another inmate.

Spades

The playing of Spades is a popular pastime of prisoners. Inmates align with each other and typically remain paired while successful. Otherwise, new pairs are formed, the idea being to learn new strategies from new partners, thereby perfecting each individual’s game. But Spades is also a perfect card game for bromo couples as it provides a pretext for a pair of prisoners to be together before, during, and after matches.  

Two teams of two players each compete. And because Spades is a game of strategy, teams comprised of two players who understand each other’s strategies have an increased chance for success. Typically, an undefeated team remains together, taking on new challengers.  But a team with wins and losses tends to eventually separate to form new partnerships, hoping to find success.  A team that remains together throughout wins and losses, never switching partners, is usually a team based on a partnership beyond Spades.  It is said that ”the Spades team that stays together is a Spades team of gays together.”

Boys’ Night Out

Married men and men in long-term relationships with women have managed to convince their female companions that the survival of the male gender depends upon “Boys’ Night Out”:  that in order for men to remain men after marriage and commitment to the fairer sex, they must be able to engage in all-male activities on a regular basis.  “Poker Night,”  “Beer with the Boys,” billiards, etc., have achieved sacrosanct status and are now inviolable.

At the foundation of “Boys Night Out” is the all-male “pack mentality” that manifests in the early teenage years.  For most men, it ends with their first profound encounter with the opposite sex.  But for other men, the pack mentality intensifies with age, enduring throughout life.  They are the men—typically in cliques of three to six or seven—who hung tight in college, were best-men and groomsmen in each other’s weddings, are godfathers to each other’s children, and are the nucleus around which their female counterparts revolve in collateral (and sometimes pseudo) friendships. Those are the same type of men who go away on those men-only motorcycle road trips, hunting getaways, fishing expeditions, and golfing get-togethers in far-flung destinations.  And it is on those “gaycations” that bromos express their “homones.” .    

14 Tell-tale Signs of Bromosexuality

1)-The need to view “heterosexual” porn before and/or during sex

Many men convince their female companions that looking at pornographic films, like the use of sex-toys, is an exciting accessory to sex.  When the films become a requirement, however, red flags should go up.  Not only are many women made to feel inadequate because they rarely resemble the porn heroines, but they are also oftentimes deceived by the bromo lovers who, unbeknownst to their female counterparts, use the films in order to achieve sexual arousal from the male actors. Then, to add insult to injury, few women are aware that there is also a genre of “straight” porn that is created for a gay audience. One way or another, porn as foreplay to sex is usually the preview of a tragic ending.  

2)-The tendency to date or marry bi-sexual women

Call it gambit or preemptive strike, bromosexuals tend to date or marry bi-sexual women, thereby neutralizing any complaints when the bromo’s bro becomes a “platonic” fixture in the marriage or relationship. 

3)-A staunchly professed inability to discern male beauty

Men in general—and bromosexuals are no exception—are notorious for claiming that they are incapable of seeing beauty in a man; only a gay man, they say, would describe a man as “beautiful” or “handsome.” Yet those same men—and bromosexuals even more so—are quick to declare another man “ugly,” without, apparently, ever stopping to realize the inconsistency.  

4)-The tendency to describe a man by the color of his eyes

Unless a man’s eye color is extraordinary to the point of being a freak of nature (such as a black man with blue eyes or an East Asian with green eyes), the color of another man’s eyes goes unnoticed by most heterosexual males.  Thus, if a man with an “all-man” appearance routinely describes men by eye color, that “all-man” man is likely to be a bromosexual.

5)-A passion for “alternative” nightclubs

A bromosexual is unlikely to attend a gay club in a locale where he is likely to be recognized; the last thing he wants is to be suspected as being gay. But he wants to have a bird’s-eye view of the goings-on of alternative entertainment. So, his preference is for entertainment venues where everyone and everything goes—clubs where there are straight people, gay people, transgender people, single people, coupled people.  At such establishments there might be female burlesque performers, male strippers, female impersonators, the full gamut.  And the bromosexual is able to relish in it all while safely maintaining his “straight” status.   

6)-An openness to “heterosexual” group-sex

Bromos tend to be game for group-sex:  “train-sex” on a girl during Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale; a bromo and his bro tag-teaming a “bitch” in their hotel room while on a Harley-Davidson convention; an orgy. The common denominator of all such sex-acts is the presence of at least one other naked man.

7)-An openness to dating and/or marrying women of another race

A bromosexual tends to invoke “cultural differences” in his attempts to explain away his female companion’s attempts to make sense of the bromosexual’s friendship with his bro or an overall inability to perform.

8)-Becomes highly offended if asked about his sexuality

Calling into question a bromosexual’s sexual orientation oftentimes marks the beginning of the end of his relationship with the inquirer. A bromosexual’s social persona is carefully crafted to exude unambiguous heterosexuality. Consequently, any questioning thereof is regarded as a direct challenge to the bromo’s very existence.

9)-The use of cutting-edge “gay” vocabulary to “test” the waters

Most bromosexuals make it a point to keep abreast of cutting-edge gay culture so as to be able to navigate its subtleties without causing waves.  Using hot-off-the-press gay terminology enables the bromo to discreetly fish for ilk. In a prison environment, for example, he might throw out as bait the term “woof”—which, according to the Urban Dictionary, is an adjective used in the gay community to describe, upon encountering in passing, a masculine, sexy man—knowing that if an inmate bites the bait by indicating his familiarity with the term, the bromo would have hooked the inmate, hook, line, and sinker.  Likewise, a bromo might describe a fellow inmate as “trade,” knowing that only a gay man is likely to know that “trade” is used in gay lingo to describe a man who appears unmistakably straight but is, in fact, gay or bisexual. Then, once the bromo has reeled in the catch of the day with the subtle use of words, the rest is smooth sailing….

10)-The tradition of the annual, men-only vacation to faraway destinations with close friends

Bromosexuals tend to socialize in man-packs consisting of at least three—but sometimes as many as six or seven—bros, the specific bromosexuals couples within the pack camouflaged by the size of the pack.  For bromos, there is safety in numbers, for group-size enables gay guys to disguise.  And those annual getaways allow the bromo couples within the man-pack to unimpededly express their masculine intimacy.

11)-The desire to possess the iconic accoutrements of masculinity

Bromosexuals, in order to solidify their public male personas, desire objects that are quintessentially masculine:  a Harley-Davidson motorbike; the Cuban cigars; the Stetson hat.

12)-A vehemently professed repulsion by homosexual sex

Bromosexuals are typically very vocal about their supposed abhorrence of homosexuality. When questioned publicly, the bromosexual claims to be utterly, categorically repulsed by the very thought of homosexual sex, let alone the act. World hunger, genocide, global warming, domestic violence, and child abuse do not offend his sensibilities as much as homosexual sex. He publicly regards homosexuality as an abomination. According to him, homosexuals should be exterminated; and they deserve every bit of the hate-speech and gay- bashing they receive.   The bromosexual is a classic case of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

13)-The tendency to gossip about and expose the sexuality of other persons

A bromosexual relishes in gossiping about and exposing the sexuality of others.  Whether motivated by misery liking company or as a tactic to deflect attention from his own sexuality, the bromo seizes upon every opportunity—even at the expense of breaching the strictest of confidences—to “out” others, make disparaging remarks about alternative sexualities, and hypocritically condemn the sexuality of others.

14)-Regularly boasts about the numerous sexual encounters he has with women

Despite being married, being in a long-term relationship, or having at least one baby-momma, a bromosexual regularly boasts, while in the company of men, about his many sexual escapades with “bitches” and brags about the quantity of “pussy” he gets on demand.

Bromosexual Sex

A bromosexual presents and represents himself as the consummate heterosexual. Enter again more D-words:  delusion and deflection. His appearance and demeanor are honed to defy and belie his homosexuality or bisexuality.  The bromo’s aim is to convince others—by any means necessary—that he is straight. And his performance is so convincing that he oftentimes convinces himself.  Thus, when two bromosexuals engage in the act of sex, especially in the nascent stage of the relationship, their sex is never processed as “gay” or “bisexual” sex. It is whatever else they deem it to be.   

In the courting stage of a bromosexual  relationship, as a throwback to the college-age years, sex is typically preceded by one or more of the seemingly countless, sexually charged masculine activities such as wrestling, muscle-flexing, pectoral-pounding, biceps-bragging, shoulder-punching, jock strap-snapping, butt-patting, armpit-sniffing, penis-grabbing, etc. And when a less ambiguous approach is required, the sex-by-contest method is employed, where to the victor go the spoils. Bromo sex allows a man to be “all male” during sex with another man.  There is no need, as is the case in heterosexual sex, to express “feminine qualities” such as tenderness, affection, sensitivity, and passion.  To the contrary, bromo sex can be rough, hard, aggressive, forceful—the way real men like to do things.  After all, real men don’t cry….  Bromos relish riding “bareback” (with lots of butt-cheek slapping for good measure), and their lubricant of choice is saliva, for condoms and commercial lubricant suggest premeditation, and preparedness indicates intent, which spells g-a-y, “gay.”

In bromo sex, lovers speak the same language:  Manglish. And from that male-only language has emerged a lexicon (referred to as a “sexicon”), its aim being to heterosexualize gay sex.  As such, a bromosexual does not penetrate an anus, for that sounds too gay.  Instead, he penetrates a “brussy”(bro-pussy) or a “brogina” (bro-vagina).   Code-language for a bro’s ass is “brass,” (bro-ass), and bromo anilingus is referred to as “polishing brass.” A gay man gives his boyfriend a blowjob; but a bromosexual gives his bro a “bro-job” and rationalizes it as an all-natural, no-preservatives source of “brotein.”  Big difference…. And as an added perquisite, bros don’t need to call each other the morning after…  Only women fuss over such things….

A bromosexual, in the name of friendship, seizes upon every opportunity to participate with or witness his bro engaging in heterosexual sex.  Two bros sharing one woman is the ultimate bromo sexual fantasy, for it allows the bros to have sexual interaction with each other within the context of “straight” sex.  In such instances, they encourage double-penetration of the female, thereby allowing their penises to rub in the process. And whenever a threesome is out of the question, the left-out bro is oftentimes invited to perform as videographer or director. For bros, voyeurism is simply “ broyuerism.”  

Bromosexual sex is typically flip-flop sex, each man serving in both active and passive roles.  There is a lot of anilingus, fellatio, irumatio, and os impurum.  There is  arm-pit licking, nipple-sucking, cleavage-tracing, and old-fashioned deep-kissing.  Facing each other, bros rub their penises against each other. Bromosex oftentimes culminates in “breeding,” where the bros ejaculate in each other’s rectum. After all, there is no need to be concerned with unwanted pregnancy….   

Conclusion:

“Bromosexual” is an emerging term. Urban Dictionary defines it illustratively (albeit tongue-in-cheek) as follows:

“A guy who is a bromosexual is totally straight. In fact he will punch you in the face if you say that he’s gay.  He’s so totally straight that he has sex with tons of chicks…sure his bro might be in the room with him, maybe videotaping it (with lots of close-ups of the penis)…or doing the same girl at the same time…with their penises touching….

So what if he’s always slapping his broham’s ass…and always hangs out in the shower at the gym…and yeah, maybe he was in a few circle jerks in middle school…and sure he puts his penis and/or testicles on his friends’ faces every chance he gets when they’re passed out drunk… and sure that frat initiation thing was a bit weird, but…

HE IS TOTALLY 100% NOT GAY.

Dude:  You’re so gay.

Bromosexual:  Shut up! I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS if you say I’m gay!!!

Other Dude:  Heh. Wait…What?

By contrast, Dictionary.com defines “bromsexual” as: 1. adjective. “noting or relating to a close but nonsexual friendship between to men, typically a heterosexual man and a gay man (usually used facetiously).”

                                                                                                 2.  noun.  “a man who has one or more close but nonsexual friendships with men (usually used facetiously).”

While the term “bromosexual” is still emerging and evolving, the Urban Dictionary’s definition is regarded as the more accurate and generally accepted, primarily because “sex” is an inextricable and defining component of the term “bromoSEXual.”  As such, definitions and literature that describe bromosexual relationships as nonsexual relationships are counterintuitive.

Despite the fact that the term “bromosexual” is so cutting-edge and subculture that most people today—even those entrenched in counterculture—have never heard of it, the term describes, ironically, an outlook on human sexuality that is exceedingly outdated.  The bromosexual may self-describe as the über-man or as Bromo sapien, but, in reality, his point of view on sexuality smacks of the Neanderthal, for inspite ofall the social progress of the 21st century—from Marriage Equality to Tolerance and Inclusion to Gay Pride to Brokeback Mountain—the bromosexual’s need to employ the D-words of deception, denial, deflection, etc., to hide his homosexual or bisexual identity is indicative of yet another D-word: dysfunction. And it’s all for naught, for the world has long moved on…. Isn’t it high time the bromosexual move on too?

In the age-old struggle for Equality of Sexuality, everyone—except the bromo—has contributed to the cause:  the fag the fairy the queen the queer the tranny the granny the dyke the chick with the dick. The big, strong, bullying bromo, however, rather than being in the frontline or in the trenches, where his brawn could be put to good use, has been at the gym, or worse yet, in bed with the enemy. The proverbial 64,000-dollar question, therefore, is:  What could a big, strong, bullying bromo possibly be afraid of? The “Brogeyman”?   


 [WJ1]

Bromosexuals: A Full-Frontal View

Bromosexuals: A Full-Frontal View

 Wayne James, author of Manly Manners

ManlyManners2020@gmail.com

December 4, 2020

Overview:

A “bromosexual” is a man’s man—literally and figuratively. To the naked eye, he is not only heterosexual, he is the über-male, the embodiment of testosterone on steroids, the last man on planet Earth to be suspected of being gay or bi-sexual. Mere men are Homo sapiens; bromosexuals are “Bromo sapiens.” But, alas, looks are oftentimes deceiving…. The bromosexual espouses beards, babes, and barbells. But he adores his “Bro” every bit as much. And “ay, there’s the rub.”

If pressed, the bromosexual will admit that the exceedingly close friendship he enjoys with his special “bro” is a “bromance.” But all bromances are not created equal:  On one hand, a bromance is simply an intimate, platonic relationship between two men, regardless of their respective sexual orientation; bromance à la bromosexual, however, is an intimate, sexual relationship between two men who appear unequivocally heterosexual. And in the 21st century, bromosexual bromances abound—in front everybody’s face, yet behind everybody’s back. To put it more succinctly—even if admittedly more crassly—bromosexuals are cock-friends masquerading as jock-friends.   

By definition, every red-blooded bromosexual will vehemently deny—even to the point of resorting to physical violence—that there is a sexual component to his bromantic pursuits, even when, as is oftentimes the case, sex is the raison d’être for the friendship itself. The world of the bromosexual is one of D-words:   disguise, dares, disclaimers, and dicks.  In essence, he is “on the DL”—but in plain view. The unwitting observer is never to deduce that the bromosexual’s preoccupation with things masculine goes hand-in-hand with his preoccupation with males.

If there had to be a poster boy for the bromosexual, he would be swarthy, hairy, and brawny:  the fireman; the construction worker; a Harley-Davidson biker; an NFL player. But in reality, he comes in all shapes and sizes, from college jock to jockey to lumberjack. Prerequisite No. 1 for attaining “bromo” status, however, is a decidedly (even if stereotypically so) masculine persona. Therefore, metrosexuals need not apply, and femme-types do not qualify.  Essentially, a bromo (short for bromosexual), whether bi or homo, must appear 110% hetero:  He must be able to exist under the radar of gaydar. Prerequisite No. 2 is a wife or a long-term girlfriend and natural-born or adopted children/stepchildren. (Alternatively, a bromo must have at least one baby-momma.) These female counterparts are essential to the credibility of the putative platonic nature of the bromosexual’s bromance and are referred to as “cover-girls” or “beards.”    

The term “bromosexual” is a mash-up of “bro,” which is the shortened form of “brother,” and “homosexual.” The origin of the species seems to have emerged from the hyper-masculine iconic elements of gay culture such as Tom of Finland, wrestling porn, leathermen, and SMBD (Sado-Masochism Bondage and Discipline).

Despite Herculean advancements—such as the legalization of same-sex marriage and the proliferation of alternative forms of sexuality in mainstream media—stigma persists vis à vis all forms of sexuality except heterosexuality.  And of all the various expressions that unfold along the continuum of human sexuality, it is the bromosexual who remains the most ensconced in denial. But that should come as no surprise since the goal of the bromosexual, by definition, is to appear super-hetero. Thus, unlike the other non-traditional expressions of sexuality that have taken up their posts in the trenches in order fight for change, acceptance, and tolerance, the bromosexual, despite his characteristic machismo, has not only hidden behind a veil of virility, but has oftentimes actively sabotaged the cause either through non-participation, or, worse yet, by aligning with the opposition via vociferous hate-speech, gay-bashing, and subterfuge.      

The Making of the Bromosexual:

Bromosexuals tend to thrive in three principal habitats: in fraternity houses on college campuses; in prisons; and in the gathering places for “boys’ night out.”

Fraternity Houses

For the young man who leaves his home and hometown to go off to college, his school becomes a ground-zero for self-rebranding. Away from family and friends, he is able to begin anew the journey towards becoming his own man.  And in that fertile environment of self-realization, a fraternity house is a veritable laboratory for sexual experimentation. In that hormone-charged milieu, the layers of sexuality are peeled away and dissected, uncovering and laying bare the young man’s true sexual anatomy.  Fraternity brothers are typically a ready, willing, and able test-group to assist in the probing.  

In Western culture, the university years are traditionally very forgiving years.  Young people are allowed, or even encouraged, to let their hair down and be free, the tacit understanding being that what happens in college stays in college—that upon departing the hallowed halls of academia, one’s slate will be wiped clean of all adolescent indiscretions. But while in generations past such unconventional goings-on would waft away on the winds of time into the recesses of oblivion, today, with the ubiquitous mobile device and surveillance cameras, engaging is risqué behavior can have life-long ramifications.  

But as the saying goes, “Boys will be boys….”  And everyone knows what happens when boys play house…. Enter:  the D-words:  a dare is ostensibly what prompted two  certifiably  heterosexual frat brothers to deep-kiss each other; the disclaimer “No homo!” is declared above the laughter when one frat brother pulls down his pants, pops out his penis,  and passes it across the lips of his sleeping brother; and drugs—from alcohol to pot to ecstasy—are the catch-all justifiers for a frat boy behaving outside the boundaries of heterosexuality. Anecdotal evidence is replete with tales of initiates being required to succumb (no pun intended) to the sexual demands of senior members; of en masse masturbation circles; of orgies where the number of males far exceeds that of females. At frat houses, in addition to all the “mooning” and “flashing” and “streaking” and “sizing-ups,” shower-room towel fights are almost obligatory. And where there are towel fights, there is nudity. But “pranks,”  “horseplay,” “roughhousing,” and “alcohol”—never bisexuality or homosexuality—are the scapegoats for such shenanigans.   Thus, the bromosexual is born. And to conceal his newly revealed sexuality, the bromosexual serial-dates college women or claims to be in a committed long-distance relationship with some phantom female….

Prisons

Sex amongst inmates is officially prohibited in most prisons the world over.  But it occurs. There are the men who form couples, and there are the men who engage in random or occasional sex-acts.  Regardless, prison etiquette dictates: don’t see; don’t tell. 

Male-on-male sex in prison is typically regarded as a fact of life behind bars. And those who, for whatever reason, indulge in such activities are generally afforded the requisite privacy. The inmates most likely to verbalize objection to prison sex, however, are the bromosexuals, for it is they who tend to have the greatest need to convincingly demonstrate their heterosexuality to fellow inmates. While gay and bi-sexual men tend to empathize or sympathize with prison sex even if they themselves do not engage in it; and while heterosexual men tend not to concern themselves with it, their focus being on returning to their wives, children, and girlfriends; the bromosexual inmate tends to be noticeably vociferous—and critical—about the sexual goings-on in prison.  Much of the sex-related gossip, gay-bashing, snitching, etc., in prison is perpetrated by bromosexuals, all the while engaging surreptitiously in the very activities they outwardly condemn. As the saying goes, “Show me a homo-hater, and I’ll show you a bromo-lover.”   

For the unwitting or novice, the bromosexual’s anti-gay/bi antics can be quite convincing, leaving the naïve observer believing that the bromosexual is the last person on Earth who would be gay. But for the inmate with an acumen for men’s motivational behavior, the bromosexual’s protestations are illustrative of his sexual ambiguity.  In essence, behavior is the barometer of the bromosexual. 

Once again, the D-words rear their ugly heads. The bromosexual’s modus operandi vis à vis prison sex is:  deny, deceive. delude. His bromosexual existence depends on those devices; his true sexuality must go undetected even to the most sexually intuitive.  As such, the bromosexual engages in behavior that is aimed at diverting attention from the sexual component of his prison bromance. 

Much of the bromosexual’s distractionary behavior centers around three activities:

a)- weight-lifting

b)- open-area visitations

c)-Spades

Weight-Lifting

Pumping iron is a metaphor of sorts for masculinity. It is high irony, therefore, for the weight pile to be one of the gayest sites in prisondom. Thus, it is there that bromosexuals congregate. Unlike other inmates, who, confident in their sexuality, find one workout partner, paying no attention to what other might think or say about the pairing, the  bromosexual, ever mindful to conceal his sexuality, typically works out in groups of three or four so as  not to give any definitive indication as to who is his primary workout partner.  For the bromosexual, there is nebulousness in numbers.

For the bromosexual, weight-training allows for male intimacy in plain view, yet disguised:  spotting affords the reclined bro an eyeful. Men who workout together monitor each other’s muscles; compliment each other on their physical progress;  greet each other with chest-thumping or shoulder-punching rather than a handshake or a fist-pump. They  massage each other’s muscles when the inevitable injuries occur; they enter[WJ1]  the shower room together after long, sweaty, workout sessions; they manscape each other’s hard-to-reach/see body parts.  Workout buddies cook and eat almost every meal together, ostensibly to ensure each other’s nutritional intake. Because of their mutual obsession with the prison pastime of developing their physiques, numerous opportunities arise for bros to spend time together—from early morning rendezvous to prepare and share pre-workout “breakfast sandwiches” to late-night hookups to guzzle down protein shakes before bidding each other a good night.  Arousal in the presence of a bro is explained away as “overactive steroids,” a “longing for female interaction,” or even a “penis workout.” (After all, the penis is made of muscles too!)  Anal penetration is not sex; it is a prostate massage. And late-night mutual masturbation in adjoining toilet or shower stalls is conducive to restful sleep and should not be interpreted as homo-erotic indulgences.  

Open-Area Visitation

There are men, who, despite being married or involved in long-term relationships with women, constantly boast about their various and sundry sexual liaisons with other women.  Those men oftentimes speak disparagingly about females, referring to them as “bitches” and providing graphic details about their conquests of the “pussy.” In prison, those men are almost always bromosexuals. And it is during open-area visitation that they seize the opportunity to prove their commitment to heterosexuality to both the female visitors and fellow male inmates.  Thus, it is the bromosexual who is almost always sanctioned for inappropriate sexual contact during visitations:  groping, fondling, intimate kissing, etc. And as they are carried off to the S.H.U. (Special Housing Unit) for misconduct, it is their “bro” who most grieves the violator’s absence, oftentimes becoming “asfixiado,” Spanish for “suffocated,” the term used by Puerto Rican inmates to describe the phenomenon whereby an inmate mourns the separation from another inmate.

Spades

The playing of Spades is a popular pastime of prisoners. Inmates align with each other and typically remain paired while successful. Otherwise, new pairs are formed, the idea being to learn new strategies from new partners, thereby perfecting each individual’s game. But Spades is also a perfect card game for bromo couples as it provides a pretext for a pair of prisoners to be together before, during, and after matches.  

Two teams of two players each compete. And because Spades is a game of strategy, teams comprised of two players who understand each other’s strategies have an increased chance for success. Typically, an undefeated team remains together, taking on new challengers.  But a team with wins and losses tends to eventually separate to form new partnerships, hoping to find success.  A team that remains together throughout wins and losses, never switching partners, is usually a team based on a partnership beyond Spades.  It is said that ”the Spades team that stays together is a Spades team of gays together.”

Boys’ Night Out

Married men and men in long-term relationships with women have managed to convince their female companions that the survival of the male gender depends upon “Boys’ Night Out”:  that in order for men to remain men after marriage and commitment to the fairer sex, they must be able to engage in all-male activities on a regular basis.  “Poker Night,”  “Beer with the Boys,” billiards, etc., have achieved sacrosanct status and are now inviolable.

At the foundation of “Boys Night Out” is the all-male “pack mentality” that manifests in the early teenage years.  For most men, it ends with their first profound encounter with the opposite sex.  But for other men, the pack mentality intensifies with age, enduring throughout life.  They are the men—typically in cliques of three to six or seven—who hung tight in college, were best-men and groomsmen in each other’s weddings, are godfathers to each other’s children, and are the nucleus around which their female counterparts revolve in collateral (and sometimes pseudo) friendships. Those are the same type of men who go away on those men-only motorcycle road trips, hunting getaways, fishing expeditions, and golfing get-togethers in far-flung destinations.  And it is on those “gaycations” that bromos express their “homones.” .    

14 Tell-tale Signs of Bromosexuality

1)-The need to view “heterosexual” porn before and/or during sex

Many men convince their female companions that looking at pornographic films, like the use of sex-toys, is an exciting accessory to sex.  When the films become a requirement, however, red flags should go up.  Not only are many women made to feel inadequate because they rarely resemble the porn heroines, but they are also oftentimes deceived by the bromo lovers who, unbeknownst to their female counterparts, use the films in order to achieve sexual arousal from the male actors. Then, to add insult to injury, few women are aware that there is also a genre of “straight” porn that is created for a gay audience. One way or another, porn as foreplay to sex is usually the preview of a tragic ending.  

2)-The tendency to date or marry bi-sexual women

Call it gambit or preemptive strike, bromosexuals tend to date or marry bi-sexual women, thereby neutralizing any complaints when the bromo’s bro becomes a “platonic” fixture in the marriage or relationship. 

3)-A staunchly professed inability to discern male beauty

Men in general—and bromosexuals are no exception—are notorious for claiming that they are incapable of seeing beauty in a man; only a gay man, they say, would describe a man as “beautiful” or “handsome.” Yet those same men—and bromosexuals even more so—are quick to declare another man “ugly,” without, apparently, ever stopping to realize the inconsistency.  

4)-The tendency to describe a man by the color of his eyes

Unless a man’s eye color is extraordinary to the point of being a freak of nature (such as a black man with blue eyes or an East Asian with green eyes), the color of another man’s eyes goes unnoticed by most heterosexual males.  Thus, if a man with an “all-man” appearance routinely describes men by eye color, that “all-man” man is likely to be a bromosexual.

5)-A passion for “alternative” nightclubs

A bromosexual is unlikely to attend a gay club in a locale where he is likely to be recognized; the last thing he wants is to be suspected as being gay. But he wants to have a bird’s-eye view of the goings-on of alternative entertainment. So, his preference is for entertainment venues where everyone and everything goes—clubs where there are straight people, gay people, transgender people, single people, coupled people.  At such establishments there might be female burlesque performers, male strippers, female impersonators, the full gamut.  And the bromosexual is able to relish in it all while safely maintaining his “straight” status.   

6)-An openness to “heterosexual” group-sex

Bromos tend to be game for group-sex:  “train-sex” on a girl during Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale; a bromo and his bro tag-teaming a “bitch” in their hotel room while on a Harley-Davidson convention; an orgy. The common denominator of all such sex-acts is the presence of at least one other naked man.

7)-An openness to dating and/or marrying women of another race

A bromosexual tends to invoke “cultural differences” in his attempts to explain away his female companion’s attempts to make sense of the bromosexual’s friendship with his bro or an overall inability to perform.

8)-Becomes highly offended if asked about his sexuality

Calling into question a bromosexual’s sexual orientation oftentimes marks the beginning of the end of his relationship with the inquirer. A bromosexual’s social persona is carefully crafted to exude unambiguous heterosexuality. Consequently, any questioning thereof is regarded as a direct challenge to the bromo’s very existence.

9)-The use of cutting-edge “gay” vocabulary to “test” the waters

Most bromosexuals make it a point to keep abreast of cutting-edge gay culture so as to be able to navigate its subtleties without causing waves.  Using hot-off-the-press gay terminology enables the bromo to discreetly fish for ilk. In a prison environment, for example, he might throw out as bait the term “woof”—which, according to the Urban Dictionary, is an adjective used in the gay community to describe, upon encountering in passing, a masculine, sexy man—knowing that if an inmate bites the bait by indicating his familiarity with the term, the bromo would have hooked the inmate, hook, line, and sinker.  Likewise, a bromo might describe a fellow inmate as “trade,” knowing that only a gay man is likely to know that “trade” is used in gay lingo to describe a man who appears unmistakably straight but is, in fact, gay or bisexual. Then, once the bromo has reeled in the catch of the day with the subtle use of words, the rest is smooth sailing….

10)-The tradition of the annual, men-only vacation to faraway destinations with close friends

Bromosexuals tend to socialize in man-packs consisting of at least three—but sometimes as many as six or seven—bros, the specific bromosexuals couples within the pack camouflaged by the size of the pack.  For bromos, there is safety in numbers, for group-size enables gay guys to disguise.  And those annual getaways allow the bromo couples within the man-pack to unimpededly express their masculine intimacy.

11)-The desire to possess the iconic accoutrements of masculinity

Bromosexuals, in order to solidify their public male personas, desire objects that are quintessentially masculine:  a Harley-Davidson motorbike; the Cuban cigars; the Stetson hat.

12)-A vehemently professed repulsion by homosexual sex

Bromosexuals are typically very vocal about their supposed abhorrence of homosexuality. When questioned publicly, the bromosexual claims to be utterly, categorically repulsed by the very thought of homosexual sex, let alone the act. World hunger, genocide, global warming, domestic violence, and child abuse do not offend his sensibilities as much as homosexual sex. He publicly regards homosexuality as an abomination. According to him, homosexuals should be exterminated; and they deserve every bit of the hate-speech and gay- bashing they receive.   The bromosexual is a classic case of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

13)-The tendency to gossip about and expose the sexuality of other persons

A bromosexual relishes in gossiping about and exposing the sexuality of others.  Whether motivated by misery liking company or as a tactic to deflect attention from his own sexuality, the bromo seizes upon every opportunity—even at the expense of breaching the strictest of confidences—to “out” others, make disparaging remarks about alternative sexualities, and hypocritically condemn the sexuality of others.

14)-Regularly boasts about the numerous sexual encounters he has with women

Despite being married, being in a long-term relationship, or having at least one baby-momma, a bromosexual, when in the company of men, regularly boasts about his numerous sexual escapades with “bitches” and brags about the amount of “pussy” he gets on demand.

Bromosexual Sex

A bromosexual presents and represents himself as the consummate heterosexual. Enter again more D-words:  delusion and deflection. His appearance and demeanor are honed to defy and belie his homosexuality or bisexuality.  The bromo’s aim is to convince others—by any means necessary—that he is straight. And his performance is so convincing that he oftentimes convinces himself.  Thus, when two bromosexuals engage in the act of sex, especially in the nascent stage of the relationship, their sex is never processed as “gay” or “bisexual” sex. It is whatever else they deem it to be.   

In the courting stage of a bromosexual  relationship, as a throwback to the college-age years, sex is typically preceded by one or more of the seemingly countless, sexually charged masculine activities such as wrestling, muscle-flexing, pectoral-pounding, biceps-bragging, shoulder-punching, jock strap-snapping, butt-patting, armpit-sniffing, penis-grabbing, etc. And when a less ambiguous approach is required, the sex-by-contest method is employed, where to the victor go the spoils. Bromo sex allows a man to be “all male” during sex with another man.  There is no need, as is the case in heterosexual sex, to express “feminine qualities” such as tenderness, affection, sensitivity, and passion.  To the contrary, bromo sex can be rough, hard, aggressive, forceful—the way real men like to do things.  After all, real men don’t cry….  Bromos relish riding “bareback” (with lots of butt-cheek slapping for good measure), and their lubricant of choice is saliva, for condoms and commercial lubricant suggest premeditation, and preparedness indicates intent, which spells g-a-y, “gay.”

In bromo sex, lovers speak the same language:  Manglish. And from that male-only language has emerged a lexicon (referred to as a “sexicon”), its aim being to heterosexualize gay sex.  As such, a bromosexual does not penetrate an anus, for that sounds too gay.  Instead, he penetrates a “brussy”(bro-pussy) or a “brogina” (bro-vagina).   Code-language for a bro’s ass is “brass,” (bro-ass), and bromo anilingus is referred to as “polishing brass.” A gay man gives his boyfriend a blowjob; but a bromosexual gives his bro a “bro-job” and rationalizes it as an all-natural, no-preservatives source of “brotein.”  Big difference…. And as an added perquisite, bros don’t need to call each other the morning after…  Only women fuss over such things….

A bromosexual, in the name of friendship, seizes upon every opportunity to participate with or witness his bro engaging in heterosexual sex.  Two bros sharing one woman is the ultimate bromo sexual fantasy, for it allows the bros to have sexual interaction with each other within the context of “straight” sex.  In such instances, they encourage double-penetration of the female, thereby allowing their penises to rub in the process. And whenever a threesome is out of the question, the left-out bro is oftentimes invited to perform as videographer or director. For bros, voyeurism is simply “ broyuerism.”  

Bromosexual sex is typically flip-flop sex, each man serving in both active and passive roles.  There is a lot of anilingus, fellatio, irumatio, and os impurum.  There is  arm-pit licking, nipple-sucking, cleavage-tracing, and old-fashioned deep-kissing.  Facing each other, bros rub their penises against each other. Bromosex oftentimes culminates in “breeding,” where the bros ejaculate in each other’s rectum. After all, there is no need to be concerned with unwanted pregnancy….   

Conclusion:

“Bromosexual” is an emerging term. Urban Dictionary defines it illustratively (albeit tongue-in-cheek) as follows:

“A guy who is a bromosexual is totally straight. In fact he will punch you in the face if you say that he’s gay.  He’s so totally straight that he has sex with tons of chicks…sure his bro might be in the room with him, maybe videotaping it (with lots of close-ups of the penis)…or doing the same girl at the same time…with their penises touching….

So what if he’s always slapping his broham’s ass…and always hangs out in the shower at the gym…and yeah, maybe he was in a few circle jerks in middle school…and sure he puts his penis and/or testicles on his friends’ faces every chance he gets when they’re passed out drunk… and sure that frat initiation thing was a bit weird, but…

HE IS TOTALLY 100% NOT GAY.

Dude:  You’re so gay.

Bromosexual:  Shut up! I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS if you say I’m gay!!!

Other Dude:  Heh. Wait…What?

By contrast, Dictionary.com defines “bromsexual” as: 1. adjective. “noting or relating to a close but nonsexual friendship between to men, typically a heterosexual man and a gay man (usually used facetiously).”

                                                                                                 2.  noun.  “a man who has one or more close but nonsexual friendships with men (usually used facetiously).”

While the term “bromosexual” is still emerging and evolving, the Urban Dictionary’s definition is regarded as the more accurate and generally accepted, primarily because “sex” is an inextricable and defining component of the term “bromoSEXual.”  As such, definitions and literature that describe bromosexual relationships as nonsexual relationships are counterintuitive.

Despite the fact that the term “bromosexual” is so cutting-edge and subculture that most people today—even those entrenched in counterculture—have never heard of it, the term describes, ironically, an outlook on human sexuality that is exceedingly outdated.  The bromosexual may self-describe as the über-man or as Bromo sapien, but, in reality, his point of view on sexuality smacks of the Neanderthal, for inspite ofall the social progress of the 21st century—from Marriage Equality to Tolerance and Inclusion to Gay Pride to Brokeback Mountain—the bromosexual’s need to employ the D-words of deception, denial, deflection, etc., to hide his homosexual or bisexual identity is indicative of yet another D-word: dysfunction. And it’s all for naught, for the world has long moved on…. Isn’t it high time the bromosexual move on too?

In the age-old struggle for Equality of Sexuality, everyone—except the bromo—has contributed to the cause:  the fag the fairy the queen the queer the tranny the granny the dyke the chick with the dick. The big, strong, bullying bromo, however, rather than being in the frontline or in the trenches, where his brawn could be put to good use, has been at the gym, or worse yet, in bed with the enemy. The proverbial 64,000-dollar question, therefore, is:  What could a big, strong, bullying bromo possibly be afraid of? The “Brogeyman”?   


 [WJ1]

The Etiquette of Casual Sex

The Etiquette of Casual Sex

Since the 1960s, with its Sexual Revolution, sex outside the context of marriage is no longer considered “wrong.” But even with casual, non-committal sex, there is comportment. There are Do’s, and there are Don’ts. And, for the most part, the do’s and don’ts are all aimed at promoting and maintaining human dignity, no matter how brief, impersonal, or fleeting the sexual encounter. A gentleman’s aim should be to make every sexual experience physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially uplifting for himself and his partner. As such, comportment is required before, during, and after sex.

Pre-Sex Etiquette

Is it impolite to ask for sex on the first date?

There was a time—until the middle of the 1960s—when intimate kissing on the first date was considered “inappropriate,” and only persons of “relaxed morals” would engage in such behavior. Actual, full-blown sex on the first date was tantamount to prostitution—but without monetary compensation. Today, sex is oftentimes the reason for the date or the litmus test for whether there will be subsequent dates. Therefore, given present-day attitudes towards sex, it is “acceptable” for a 21st -century gentleman to request sex on the first date. But it is still to be expected that the request will be politely denied. And what is of paramount importance is that the party making the request understand that “No” means “No!” and that any subsequent request or “motion for reconsideration” is regarded as most inappropriate and grounds for immediate termination of the date.

What is the best way to politely broach the subject of hygiene during casual sex?

One of the most troublesome issues with casual sex is hygiene. Because of the spontaneous, unplanned, impersonal circumstances typically associated with casual sex, the parties involved rarely have time for pre-sex hygiene, and rarely do they share consistent standards for hygiene. How, then, is the issue best raised?

It is often said that “cleanliness is next to godliness.” But cleanliness is also next to sexiness—(unless otherwise specified and agreed!) And notwithstanding Napoleon’s supposed notorious admonition to Empress Josephine, “Don’t wash, I am coming home!” (After all, they were a married couple and were therefore privy to, and presumably tolerant or accepting of, each other’s most intimate preferences and penchants), the anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that people generally prefer clean sex over raunchy, smelly, filthy sex—especially when when it comes to casual sex with people who are little more than strangers.

But if there is one sure way to insult a person to his very core, it is to call to his attention his lack of proper hygiene. Even a big, strong man can become emotionally disarmed if informed disapprovingly of his underarm odor.

One of the most tactful ways to ensure pre-sex hygiene is to incorporate it into foreplay, paying special attention to body parts that will figure significantly during the sex act. A gentleman can invite his lover to a joint bath or shower as part of foreplay. And while enjoying the joint bath or shower, special attention could be devoted to special body parts that are likely to figure significantly in the subsequent sex-act: A gentleman with a fetish for feet, for example, may want to offer his lover a pedicure; a fan of fellatio, a connoisseur of cunnilingus, or an advocate for anilingus, may wish to assist in administering penile pampering or a douche or an enema. The oftentimes-neglected navel, poetically referred to as “the body’s little cup,” (provided that it is an “iny,” not an “outy”!) should be gently cleaned with an alcohol-moistened cotton ball or ear swab in the event a gentleman invites his sex partner to a drink of his “liquid pearls.” Sloughing creams, perfumed oils, and moisturizers can all be incorporated into cleansing and massage rituals aimed at discretely addressing matters pertaining to hygiene. Besides—especially for gentlemen fond of frequent casual sex—cleanliness erases traces of prior sexual encounters: No lady needs to discover another lady’s lipstick on her lover’s “dipstick”; and no lover needs to smell lingering nuances of Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds on a lover’s family jewels. Kissing should be preceded by proper oral hygiene. Therefore, a gentleman should always have extra supplies of individually wrapped, soft-bristled toothbrushes and other oral hygiene products to offer to his sex partners. (See chapter, “Hygiene.” See also chapter “Your Place or Mine?”). Fresh, easy-to-eat fruits with high concentrations of Vitamins C and D should also be readily available to ensure sweet-smelling breath and a sweet-tasting mouth throughout the sexual encounter.

Who is responsible for furnishing the sex-related supplies?

It is said that “a soldier never goes into battle without his helmet,” and that “a plumber never shows up for work without his toolbox.” But the general rule is that the host should provide all the necessary supplies—from clean sheets and towels to hygiene products to condoms and lubricants to clean-up supplies. The safety rule, however, is that when it comes to matters of health and well-being, each adult is ultimately responsible for ensuring his/her health and well-being. Whenever body fluids are being exchanged, appropriate caution must be exercised. And sex, because of the inherent intimacy associated therewith, is an ideal environment for the transfer of of germs, viruses, and diseases. Therefore, in order to minimize the transmission of sexually transmittable diseases and the incidence of unwanted pregnancy, special attention must be paid to the quality and efficacy of condoms. The effectiveness of condoms stored in gentlemen’s wallets and kept beyond their expiration dates can be compromised. Properly fitting condoms of a gentleman’s preferred brand may be ceremoniously purchased in the company of his lover as a part of foreplay. [A person too embarrassed to purchase or to be in the presence of a person purchasing condoms is too immature for sex]. When condoms and other safety supplies are not available, sexual intercourse should be postponed. There are countless ways to engage in safer intimacy without engaging in unsafe sexual intercourse.

Should sexual parameters be established before sex?

Answer: “no and yes.” The general, “sexy” answer is a resounding “No!” Sex tends to be better done rather than said. Establishing—contract-like—what is “permissible” and what is “off-limits” is likely to take the “y” out of “sexy,” leaving only boring “sex” and putting a pall-like damper upon the spontaneous, delightfully surprising, act-and-respond nature of sex. That said, when the proverbial red flag goes aflutter, a gentleman may (and should) state certain boundaries so as to avoid any mid-way misunderstandings. Walking into a bedroom equipped with whips and chains and slings and handcuffs would be sufficient grounds for a man who objects to SMBD to unequivocally state his objections and request consensus on more conventional methods of copulation. And, of course, drugs or any substance that is likely to compromise informed judgment should be avoided before and during sex. In essence, a gentleman need not verbalize his parameters beforehand to his sexual partner, but he should certainly establish parameters in his own mind so that, in the heat of sex, when his “other head” is doing most of the “thinking,” personal boundaries have are already clearly established and can be more easily delineated, especially in the dark….

Should a person disclose health or physical conditions and bodily functions that may adversely impact his/her sex partner’s health and/or enjoyment of sex?

Any condition that is likely to jeopardize health or the enjoyment of sex should be disclosed beforehand. A lady on her menstrual cycle, for example, should notify her sex partner. And, of course, persons suffering from any health condition that could impede the enjoyment of sex or compromise a sex partner’s health should fully disclose in advance so that the sex partner may make an informed decision as to whether to engage the sexual encounter. Transparency and “the naked truth” are critical components of sex-etiquette.

Is it okay to “lie” to a casual-sex partner?

As the age-old adage goes, “If you can’t say something positive, say nothing at all.” The fact is that most people, even the so-called “beautiful people,” feel some insecurities about their bodies, and those insecurities must generally be laid bare during sex.

The general rule is that a gentleman should be very generous with his compliments to his casual-sex lover. After all, what would be the point of “brutal honesty” ? A lover is generally incapable of “correcting” his physical flaws during the casual-sex meeting, so why raise or confirm the issue? Just as a gentleman would compliment the cook of a modest meal or thank the bearer of a duplicitous gift, a casual-sex lover equipped what the legendary actor David Niven may have euphemistically referred to as “short comings” should be made to feel as “big” as possible, even if at the expense of exaggeration. The fact is that people—especially casual lovers whom one may never see again in life—feel better when being positively complimented than when being told cold, hard truths. Sex should be an uplifting, confidence-building experience. Telling a modestly endowed lover who invites comment about his/her inadequacies, “I am sure it will get the job done,” or “Well, at least you will never need bra implants” is more likely to produce an infinitely more positive sexual experience than “Yes, I prefer nine inches—minimum!” or “You sure are no Dolly Parton….” “I had no idea you were this sexy when we were at the bar” is likely to do more for boosting the confidence of a lover than any alcoholic beverage or energy drink.

Lovers should be generously complimented before, during, and after casual sex. After all, there is an element to casual sex that is part-acting, part-fantasy, and a willing suspense of unflattering reality is generally most appreciated—with little or no collateral adverse side-effects.

What is the correct way to depart the love-bed before sunrise the following morning?

Whenever a gentleman must leave the sex-bed before normal waking hours of the following morning, he must notify his lover prior to entering the bed. And whenever it is agreed that a gentleman will leave the sex-bed whilst his lover is likely to be asleep, the gentleman must arrive at the encounter prepared with a pre-purchased, pre-wrapped present and accompanying handwritten note to leave on “his side of the bed” so that when his lover awakens to be greeted by the gentleman’s absence, he is properly represented by his forethought.

During-Sex Etiquette

What is the best way to politely refuse certain sex-acts?

Many of the “green lights,” “red lights,” an “proceed-with-caution amber lights” of sex are turned on and off via the lingua franca of sex: body language. Rarely are words used or required. And verbosity and sex are known to make for estranged bedfellows. A request for anilingus that is responded to with a gentle kiss on the cheek—of the buttocks but no more—sends a clear message of “Thanks, but no thanks.” Likewise, a slight movement of the head—away—when the tip of a tongue is inserted into the ear is heard loud and clear without the utterance of a word.

Are there any taboos left in 21st -century casual sex?

Many sex-acts that were considered aberrant, lewd, or, at best, taboo, in the 1950s are today considered conventional to the point of “compulsory.” Times have changed, and so have gentlemen….

Anal Sex, Anilingus, and Cunnilingus

With the increasing legalization of same-sex marriage in much of the Western World since the dawn of the 21st century, anal sex and cunnilingus have left the realm of the “forbidden” and have taken up prominent residence in the “mainstream”; and those sex-acts are experiencing widespread “cross-over” appeal. It is no longer, for example, considered “improper” for a gentleman to request anal sex with his partner—male or female.

Anal Sex

Because of the nature of anal sex (and other sex-acts involving the stimulation of the anus), an enema should be administered as instructed by the manufacturer and/or by one’s physician prior to engaging in the act—unless otherwise mutually agreed upon.

Condoms should always be used when engaging in anal sex with casual-sex partners; and proper lubrication should be used in order to ensure comfort and minimize the risk of damage to the extremely delicate anal and rectal tissues. The penetrator should pay special attention to the requests, responses (spoken and unspoken), and comfort of the person being penetrated—not only in the initial stages of the act, but also throughout its duration.

Anilingus

Because of the nature of anilingus, an enema should be administered (as instructed by the manufacturer and/or by one’s physician) prior to the act—unless otherwise mutually agreed upon. In anilingus, the tongue is used to stroke, and thereby stimulate, the anus and, to the extent possible, the rectum. Connoisseurs of anilingus caution against the use of the mouth to “suck-pull” the anus since such stimulation may result in the development of hemorrhoids. It is advised and considered in good taste for a lover, after administering anilingus, to take temporary leave of the love-bed in order to refresh his/her mouth. (After all, there are likely to be many other uses for that same mouth thereafter….)

Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus should be preceded by a feminine douche, administered as directed by the manufacturer and/or one’s physician—unless otherwise mutually agreed upon. Sex-etiquette allows for the lady receiving the cunnilingus to direct the servicing partner verbally and non-verbally so that she may best derive pleasure. At the end of the day, no man intimately understands female genitalia like a woman, and she should therefore be deferred to in matters pertaining thereto. Unlike in anilingus, it is considered in poor taste for a gentleman, after administering cunnilingus, to take leave of the love-bed in order to refresh his mouth.

Fellatio

As a courtesy to the fellator, a gentleman should wash his genitals prior to receiving fellatio—unless otherwise mutually agreed upon. Sex-etiquette allows for the man receiving fellatio to direct the servicing partner verbally and non-verbally so as to best derive pleasure. Because of the prevalence of masturbation within the male gender, men are exceedingly familiar with their genitals and where and how they respond to erotic stimulus. (It is said that the average man would be able to detect even an eyelash in the mouth of the fellator during fellatio). Unlike in anilingus, it is considered in poor taste for a gentleman, after administering fellatio, to take leave of the love-bed in order to refresh his mouth.

For many men, fellatio is at once the most intimate and intimidating androcentric sex-act as it exposes the recipient’s vulnerability, oftentimes rendering him scared stiff (in more ways than one!) for fear of decapitation or other irreparable harm to his prized penis.

Os impurum; Irrumatio

Os impurum, the act of oral sex where a man forces his penis into the mouth of another person (usually a man), and irrumatio (also known as “interfemoral sex”), the act of thrusting one’s penis between breasts, upper thighs, feet, etc., for the purpose of imparting and deriving sexual pleasure, have extended beyond the confines of sex clubs and fetish parties and have made their way into mainstream bedrooms. When introducing such practices to his partners, a gentleman should assume the role of instructor, guiding his pupils patiently and gently through the techniques associated with those practices.

Sex Toys

Every boy knows that toys can make for good fun. And sex toys are no exception. Sex toys are no longer taboo; today they are routinely introduced into foreplay and during sex to enhance those experiences.

Sex toys must be thoroughly cleaned and disinfected immediately before use and prior to being stored away after use. The type of toy dictates the most appropriate cleaning method to be employed: anti-bacterial soap and hot water; diluted chlorine bleach; and/or isopropyl/ethyl alcohol. As a courtesy to one’s sex partner, sex toys should be cleaned in his/her presence (After all, there is no telling where a particular sex toy has been played with in the past!)

Raunchy Talk

There was a time when very little was said during sex. But since the 1970s, with the proliferation of pornographic films in which something or anything—even if nonsensical—had to be said in order to compensate for the lack of well-written scripts and talented dramatic acting, raunchy talk has become part and parcel to casual sex. Today, the general rule is: Unless objected to, raunchy talk may be used to punctuate casual sex. Within the context of role-playing in the fantasy-like act of casual sex, name-calling, profanity, etc., are all fair game. And, of course, even within the parameters of “raunchy,” a gentleman would avoid using language that is likely to offend.

Requests To Swallow Semen

The drinking of semen—even one’s own, and even more so another’s—is considered one of the most intimate acts of sex, second only to the ultimate result of sex, the birth of a child. The drinking of another’s semen is the equivalent of becoming one with another’s soul, his core, his inner being. But the enjoyment of the flavor of semen, it is said, is an acquired taste: The bodily fluid is said to typically possess a bitter, slightly salty flavor. (Beer, other alcoholic beverages, red meats, asparagus, and cigarette smoke are just a few of the items that are said to intensify the natural bitterness of semen). But according to connoisseurs, semen’s flavor may be sweetened to a fruit nectar-like flavor if the donor consumes copious amounts of fresh pineapple in the days immediately preceding the discharge. So it might behoove a gentleman who is fond of offering his “man-milk” for cocktail sips to stock up on fresh pineapples. After all, sweet generally trumps bitter in matters sensual.

But whether bitter or sweet or bitter-sweet, no gentleman should demand that his semen be consumed: Only mothers have the right to demand that their children drink milk! A gentleman may, however, politely request that his semen be drunk, or he may inquire as to his partner’s interest in the consumption of semen, graciously accepting any decline of the offer as definitive. If, however, a gentleman’s request is accepted, the gentleman should acknowledge the act as a priceless gift—from the beneficiary to the donor—conducting himself accordingly.

Is there a Cardinal Rule of Casual Sex?

In all matters pertaining to sex, the cardinal rule applies: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As such, except for acts anatomically exclusive to the different sexes or particular to the different-sex roles, a gentleman should request nothing of a sex partner that the gentleman would not reciprocate. He, for example, should not request fellatio but then refuse cunnilingus; or a gentleman should not ask for anilingus then refuse the courtesy in return. Likewise, for a man to request fellatio or that his semen be drunk then refuse to thereafter kiss that same mouth that pleased him or honored him, would be in exceedingly poor taste.

Post-Sex Etiquette

What should a gentleman do after orgasm?

Post-sex etiquette is at least as important as pre-sex and during-sex etiquette, for it leaves a lasting impression and provides some indication as to the nature of the lovers. No gentleman would leave the love-bed immediately after orgasm; several minutes should be spent together in affectionate embrace. Thereafter, he should request permission to take temporary leave of the bed so that he can make preparations to further pamper his sex partner. A gentleman should treat his sex partner—female or male—like royalty. Sex is one of humanity’s most profound expressions, and it should be engaged in with ceremony, respect, and dignity. Each time a man engages in sex, his aim should be to make the experience the best and most beautiful sex—ever.

Who is responsible for cleaning up after sex?

Sex can be “messy,” and it is a gentleman’s duty to refresh his lover and the love-bed. Fresh towels should be used to cover any “wet spots” on the bed; and a gentleman should return to the bed with a large bowl of fragrant, warm water (Fresh lime or lemon “wagon wheels” floating atop the water is a good choice) and clean face towels to be used to clean up then refresh his lover’s body then his own before he rejoins his lover in the bed for additional affectionate embracing and conversation. After sufficient time has elapsed, the gentleman should invite his lover to join him for a bath or shower.

When should a sex partner depart after casual sex?

Whether a lover will spend the night or depart after casual sex should be established and communicated before sex. (See “Pre-Sex Etiquette” above). When a lover must depart before morning, a gentleman should accompany his lover as far as discretion permits—whether to the door; to the curb to hail a taxi; to the lover’s private vehicle; or to the train or subway station, for example. When a lover will spend the night, all courtesies that should be extended to house guests should be extended to the overnight lover. (See chapter, “Your Place or Mine?”).

Should a casual-sex partner be called the following day?

Calling a lover the following morning is compulsory—unless the lover spent the night! And unless discretion dictates otherwise, a handwritten thank-you letter should be mailed the following day. Emails, text messages, etc., are acceptable—if supplemented with a handwritten message. Also, a lover should always be presented with a memento (small but meaningful) of the love-making.