The Antique Mahogany Four-Poster Beds of the Danish West Indies–The World’s Most Beautiful Beds

Danish West Indies 4-Poster Mahogany Beds

It is said that God could easily have made a more beautiful bed–but He didn’t…. In all the world, there is no bed more stately than the antique four-poster mahogany beds of the United States Virgin Islands, the former Danish West Indies. Certainly, there are beds more grand, more intricately detailed, more fancy and ostentatious. But in terms of sheer magnificence, that ever-delicate balance between form and function, and understated elegance, the beds of the Virgin Islands are beyond compare. To enter a room in which one is situated is to be drawn, almost instinctively, onto it. Wherever placed in the room, the bed becomes the center of the room—the navel of the space. And it is upon those great beds that families are conceived, born, and die, generation after generation.

In 1493, as Christopher Columbus on his second journey to the New World approached the Caribbean archipelago at its center-point, it is said that he remarked that the islands—some big, some mere rocks jutting out the sea—reminded him of the legend of St. Ursula and her 11,000 virgins who are said to have been massacred by the Huns near present-day Cologne as she, accompanied by her virginal retinue, undertook a self-declared pan-European pilgrimage prior to her marriage to the pagan governor Conan Meriadoc of Armorica. In honor of St. Ursula and her many virgins, Columbus named the idyllic islands “Las Islas Virgenes” (“The Virgin Islands”).

Almost immediately after the Spanish conquest, the Virgin Islands—especially St. Croix because of its strategic location within the Caribbean archipelago and its relatively flat, arable land—would become the object of desire for a long list of European interlopers and colonizers, from the English and Dutch, to the Knights of Malta and the French, and motley crews of pirates in between. But it was the Danes, towards the end of the 1600s and the first decades of the 1700s, that embarked upon comprehensive, sustained efforts at colonizing the Virgin Islands, namely St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Croix.

Apart from pre-Columbian Amerindian furnishings, very little of which has survived, much of the furniture-making heritage of the Virgin Islands occurs during the Danish era (1671-1917). By the 18th century, as a result of profits made from the slave trade and the sugar industry, Caribbean plantations had become infamous for their immense wealth, so much so that the adage “as wealthy as a Barbados planter” would become a part of the vernacular, and St. Croix would come to be dubbed “The Garden of the West Indies.” Mansions reflecting and celebrating that wealth were built and had to be furnished and decorated—typically with European luxury items. In the beginning, European planters would import European-made furniture constructed from European woods. But it soon became apparent that the local species of termites had a special appetite for European woods, in many cases leaving the intricately carved, gold-leaf Rococo furniture of the late 18th century so structurally compromised that it would collapse upon being touched.

Beginning in the early 1700s, plantation owners would ship termite-resistant Caribbean hardwoods back to Europe, the wood then used to make furniture that would in turn be shipped back to the islands for use in the plantation mansions and urban dwellings. There are accounts of exquisite mahogany and rosewood being shipped to Europe to be made into furniture that would then be decorated with gold-leaf to suit the tastes of the day, concealing, unfortunately, the beautiful grain of the tropical hardwoods in the process.

Reimert Haagensen’s Description of the Island of St. Croix in America in the West Indies, written in the 1750s and published in Denmark in 1758 states:  “The information will have to suffice on this matter for I must say something about the many rare trees that are found in such quantities there.  These have all kinds of names, such as Mahogany and others of equal value.  From these are made the best furniture to be had, namely writing desks, cabinets with mirrors and chests of drawers.  These would, however, are sold to outsiders since there is no one on the island who can do this work. Indeed, there are samples sent home to Copenhagen.”

By the early 1800s, however, the furniture-making trade was well-established in the islands, Afro-Caribbean craftsmen emerging as major participants. In the 1820s, Lieutenant Brady, in his Observations upon the State of Negro Slavery in the Island of Santa Cruz, published in 1829, writes:  “I visited nearly all of the negro houses at [Estate Manning’s Bay] and was agreeably surprised at the number of articles of household use, and of social comfort, which I met.  In most of them there was a bedstead, straw bed, pillow and blankets, several chairs, a table, sleeping bench, and chest. In some there were drinking glasses, and other decent table ware, and in one a pair of decanters.”  Brady then goes on to write several lines later that, “Few of these articles would have been found in a negro yard thirty years ago….”

The History of Mahogany

Swietenia mahogani is native to Cuba, Hispañola (Domican Republic and Haiti), and Jamaica in Greater Antilles, as well as the Florida Keys and the Bahamas. The tree is believed to have been introduced to the Lesser Antilles and Central America during the colonial era, between the 15th and 19th centuries.

Popularly known as mahogany, West Indian mahogany, Cuban mahogany, and Spanish mahogany (the Spanish word for mahogany being “caoba”), it has for over 300 years been regarded as the world’s finest, most versatile, and luxurious furniture wood.

An upright-growing tree, able to attain heights of 150 feet under favorable conditions, mahogany is highly prized for its dense, tight-grained, reddish-brown wood, which is conducive to a high polish.

Mahogany was first introduced to the European market five centuries ago by the Spanish, the major colonizers of the Greater Antilles, but it was the English, who in the very late 17th century, made the wood a household name. One of the earliest mentions of mahogany in English newspapers occurs in the London Gazette of February 22nd to 25th, 1702. The first reference to mahogany in the statistics of imports filed at the Public Record Office is dated Christmas 1699 – Christmas 1700: “Jamaica. Wood Mohogony….” And it is generally regarded that between 1720 and 1725, the English began using mahogany in the furniture-making trade. The Daily Journal of May 26, 1724 reports what is undoubtedly the first recorded use of mahogany in the construction of doors: “His Magesty’s Ship, the Mermaid, which is coming from Jamaica, hath on Board from thence 600 Planks of the famous Mahoginy or Redwood, which grows in no Part of the World but the West-Indies, which Wood is to be employed, in making all the inner Doors in the new Admiralty-Office, now building at Whitehall; and to be used in Tables and other Purposes for the said Office.”

By 1774 Swietenia mahogani had become scarce in most parts of its natural range, and it was virtually extinct in Cuba by the end of the 19th century. Closely related to West Indian mahogany is Swietenia macrophylla, also known as Honduras mahogany or South American mahogany. Besides sporting a bigger leaf (hence its botanical name), the South American variety is less dense, less beautifully patterned (therefore less valuable as a decorative veneer wood), and less expensive. And unlike the West Indian varieties, which are enhanced by age (the Cuban variety becoming honey-brown when exposed to sunlight and the Hispañolan, which becomes darker with exposure), Swietenia macrophylla is known to bleach if confronted by sunlight over extended periods.

The reputation of mahogany, as unsurpassed for beauty and versatility in the furniture-making trade, has led to its commercial extinction in many regions of the world. Several countries, however, have come to the rescue of the species by enacting laws regulating its harvest, use, and export.

The Emergence of Mahogany as the Primary Furniture-making Wood in the Danish West Indies

By the 1790s and into the first decades of the 1800s, with the clean, simple lines of Empire furniture becoming all the rage and oftentimes replacing the ornately carved Rococo furniture of 50 years earlier, exotic tropical woods, especially mahogany, became prized since the simple line of Empire furniture lent itself to the beautiful grain and rich color of mahogany. And it was the convergence of simplicity of line and richness of wood that laid the foundation for what would become the Virgin Islands’ greatest contribution to the decorative arts: the four-poster mahogany bed.

When Africans were enslaved and forcibly shipped to the Caribbean to labor on plantations, they brought with them their culture, professions, talents, and skills. Highborn and lowborn and skilled and unskilled alike were equalized as manual laborers. The only outlets for artistic expression were in the performing and useful arts. Who otherwise might have been or become a painter or sculptor or poet in a free society oftentimes found him/herself—during the little free time allowed the enslaved—gravitating towards performance arts such as music or dance, or towards the crafts such as cooking, jewelry-making, or furniture-making.

Wood-working and carving, still a strong tradition in Haiti, had long been a part of West African tradition before the emergence of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade in the 15th century. So, in the early 1800s, when European plantation owners realized that it was more practical to have furniture made in the islands by local craftsmen than shipping Caribbean hardwoods all the way to Europe to be made into furniture, that furniture then having to be shipped all the way back to the Caribbean, plantation owners began utilizing the traditional and European-trained skills of free and enslaved cabinet-makers to produce furniture for local use. What is today stylistically categorized as “Colonial furniture” is the result of a merging of European and African aesthetics.

Afro-Caribbean Influences and Traditions

By the 1830s, during the Late Empire period, African and European aesthetics had converged, giving birth to the 4-poster mahogany bed (and also the elegant, caned Caribbean rocking chairs), arguably the region’s most distinctive and celebrated contribution to the decorative arts.

The necessity of mosquito nets led to the preference for beds with tall, massive, elegantly tapered, lathe-turned, hand-carved posts, surmounted by a “tester,” a framed canopy that, in the finest homes, would typically be dressed with hand-embroidered linen skirting. And the big, upright-growing, abundantly branched mahogany trees provided the necessary lumber for the crafting of the beautiful posts from which the nets could be suspended. Footboards with open spindle-work, a design feature that triumphantly distinguishes the beds of the Virgin Islands from all other beds of the Caribbean, allow the tropical breezes to flow, unimpeded, onto the beds, thereby cooling their occupants. The footboards also impart a certain “finish” and “balance” to Virgin Islands beds that is unmatched in other Caribbean beds.  Each headboard was more impressive than the next, craftsmen oftentimes having signature motifs, many of which were Afro-centric. Mattresses were high off the ground—as high as the typical windowsill, necessitating bed-stairs but also allowing for breezes penetrating jalousie windows to bring uninterrupted comfort on warm, tropical nights. The high-set beds were also infamous for wreaking havoc on the bones of careless sleepers!

The Ubiquity of the Bed

By the late 1800s, owning a mahogany bedstead had evolved as a rite of passage into adulthood for the average Virgin Islander. Most of the beds were made between 1830 and 1940—until the coming of ready-made American furniture. Modest families had “the family bed,” while more well-to-do families had a bed for each child, children typically carrying along their bedsteads when establishing their own homesteads. So much a part of the culture were the beds that a new bed would be given a “bedstead party” in order to celebrate its one-year anniversary: The bed would be dismantled and reassembled outside the home in a public space of the community so that it could be blessed by clergy and praised by neighbors. (At the end of the party, the bed would again be disassembled and then reassembled in the home.)

Virgin Islands four-poster mahogany beds are so esteemed that they are oftentimes bequeathed in last wills and testaments. It is not uncommon, for example, for a testator to dispose of real estate and cash then the bed: “And the mahogany bed upon which I slept should go to….” It is also not uncommon for a mahogany bed to be at the center of family discord and discontent: “Mama had always said that her bed should go to me….” And one of the most highly regarded gifts from a godparent to a godchild is a four-poster mahogany bed. So coveted are the beds that some are said to be haunted by their former owners, making for many a restless night for unapproved subsequent occupants. And many of the islands’ present-day prominent families—the families that produce the lawyers, doctors, university professors, clergymen, and, of course, artists, for example—descend from cabinet-makers who were able to command, on account of the cultural admiration for fine mahogany furniture, a respectable income in the decades following Emancipation in 1848, thereby acquiring private property and availing their offspring to higher education.

Though not as obligatory or ubiquitous as they once were, Virgin Islands four-poster mahogany beds are every bit as revered, locally and abroad. And on the rare occasion when they are offered at international auctions, they are known to command enviable prices.



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Bromosexual Subculture Explored in Upcoming Book by Wayne James

Wayne James, former senator and author of the critically acclaimed Manly Manners: Lifestyle & Modern Etiquette for the Young Man of the 21st Century (2016), has just penned an eye-opening, jaw-dropping blogpost titled, “Bromosexuals:  The Naked Truth.”

The ‘bromosexual’ is arguably the foremost emerging social phenomenon of modern men’s lifestyle,” James said. “It’s a masculine behavioral construct that is little-known and less understood. Even online slang dictionaries offer opposing definitions of the term.”

Men’s subculture, however, essentially defines the bromosexual as a man’s man:  the über-male who is so masculine that—ironically—he prefers the company of men over that of women. Not to be confused with “bromance,” which describes an intimate, but platonic, relationship between two men regardless of their respective sexuality, the term “bromosexual” is a mash-up of “bro,” which is the shortened form of “brother,” and “homosexual.”  Essentially, he is a jock-type who has intimate, sexual relations with other jock-types, his homosexuality or bisexuality hidden behind a veil of virility. The operative term within the term “bromosexual” is “sex.”

 “Mere men are Homo sapiens; but bromosexuals are Bromo sapiens,” James said.  “Metrosexualsneed not apply, and effeminate men simply do not qualify.  To be admitted into the ranks of the bromosexual, a man must appear unmistakably—and stereotypically—heterosexual:  the fireman; the construction worker; the Harley-Davidson leather-clad biker; the NFL player; the Wall Street womanizer. And he is oftentimes the most vocal critic of non-hetero sexuality. But looks are oftentimes deceiving, and actions speak louder than words.”

James’ groundbreaking blogpost traces the bromo phenomenon from its early manifestations in college fraternity houses, to its prevalence in prisons, to how it is camouflaged in traditions of “boys’ night out” and “men-only” fishing trips. 

“This is the opposite of Brokeback Mountain or Life on the Down Low,” James said.  “This is man-on-man sex in plain view, but behind your back. A bromosexual and his ‘bro’ workout together, eat together, party together, vacation together, are friends with each other’s wives.  To the unwitting, their relationship is a platonic bromance—just two friends ‘joined at the hips,’ “ James said.

Wayne James is currently writing a 300-page book on this emerging lifestyle. Based on personal observation, Bromosexuals:  In Plain View—Behind Your Back, is scheduled for a September 2021 publication.    

Bromosexuals: The Naked Truth

Bromosexuals: The Naked Truth

Wayne James, author of Manly Manners

ManlyManners2020@gmail.com

Overview:

A “bromosexual” is a man’s man—literally and figuratively. To the naked eye, he is not only heterosexual, he is the über-male, the embodiment of testosterone on steroids, the last man on planet Earth to be suspected of being gay or bi-sexual. Mere men are Homo sapiens; bromosexuals are “Bromo sapiens.” But, alas, looks are oftentimes deceiving…. The bromosexual espouses beards, babes, and barbells. But he adores his “Bro” every bit as much. And “ay, there’s the rub.”

If pressed, the bromosexual will admit that the exceedingly close friendship he enjoys with his special “bro” is a “bromance.” But all bromances are not created equal:  On one hand, a bromance is simply an intimate, platonic relationship between two men, regardless of their respective sexual orientation; bromance à la bromosexual, however, is an intimate, sexual relationship between two men who appear unequivocally heterosexual. And in the 21st century, bromosexual bromances abound—in front everybody’s face, yet behind everybody’s back. To put it more succinctly—even if admittedly more crassly—bromosexuals are cock-friends masquerading as jock-friends.   

By definition, every red-blooded bromosexual will vehemently deny—even to the point of resorting to physical violence—that there is a sexual component to his bromantic pursuits, even when, as is oftentimes the case, sex is the raison d’être for the friendship itself. The world of the bromosexual is one of D-words:   disguise, dares, disclaimers, and dicks.  In essence, he is “on the DL”—but in plain view. The unwitting observer is never to deduce that the bromosexual’s preoccupation with things masculine goes hand-in-hand with his preoccupation with males.

If there had to be a poster boy for the bromosexual, he would be swarthy, hairy, and brawny:  the fireman; the construction worker; a Harley-Davidson biker; an NFL player. But in reality, he comes in all shapes and sizes, from college jock to jockey to lumberjack. Prerequisite No. 1 for attaining “bromo” status, however, is a decidedly (even if stereotypically so) masculine persona. Therefore, metrosexuals need not apply, and femme-types do not qualify.  Essentially, a bromo (short for bromosexual), whether bi or homo, must appear 110% hetero:  He must be able to exist under the radar of gaydar. Prerequisite No. 2 is a wife or a long-term girlfriend and natural-born or adopted children/stepchildren. (Alternatively, a bromo must have at least one baby-momma.) These female counterparts are essential to the credibility of the putative platonic nature of the bromosexual’s bromance and are referred to as “cover-girls” or “beards.”    

The term “bromosexual” is a mash-up of “bro,” which is the shortened form of “brother,” and “homosexual.” The origin of the species seems to have emerged from the hyper-masculine iconic elements of gay culture such as Tom of Finland, wrestling porn, leathermen, and SMBD (Sado-Masochism Bondage and Discipline).

Despite Herculean advancements—such as the legalization of same-sex marriage and the proliferation of alternative forms of sexuality in mainstream media—stigma persists vis à vis all forms of sexuality except heterosexuality.  And of all the various expressions that unfold along the continuum of human sexuality, it is the bromosexual who remains the most ensconced in denial. But that should come as no surprise since the goal of the bromosexual, by definition, is to appear super-hetero. Thus, unlike the other non-traditional expressions of sexuality that have taken up their posts in the trenches in order fight for change, acceptance, and tolerance, the bromosexual, despite his characteristic machismo, has not only hidden behind a veil of virility, but has oftentimes actively sabotaged the cause either through non-participation, or, worse yet, by aligning with the opposition via vociferous hate-speech, gay-bashing, and subterfuge.      

The Making of the Bromosexual:

Bromosexuals tend to thrive in three principal habitats: in fraternity houses on college campuses; in prisons; and in the gathering places for “boys’ night out.”

Fraternity Houses

For the young man who leaves his home and hometown to go off to college, his school becomes a ground-zero for self-rebranding. Away from family and friends, he is able to begin anew the journey towards becoming his own man.  And in that fertile environment of self-realization, a fraternity house is a veritable laboratory for sexual experimentation. In that hormone-charged milieu, the layers of sexuality are peeled away and dissected, uncovering and laying bare the young man’s true sexual anatomy.  Fraternity brothers are typically a ready, willing, and able test-group to assist in the probing.  

In Western culture, the university years are traditionally very forgiving years.  Young people are allowed, or even encouraged, to let their hair down and be free, the tacit understanding being that what happens in college stays in college—that upon departing the hallowed halls of academia, one’s slate will be wiped clean of all adolescent indiscretions. But while in generations past such unconventional goings-on would waft away on the winds of time into the recesses of oblivion, today, with the ubiquitous mobile device and surveillance cameras, engaging is risqué behavior can have life-long ramifications.  

But as the saying goes, “Boys will be boys….”  And everyone knows what happens when boys play house…. Enter:  the D-words:  a dare is ostensibly what prompted two  certifiably  heterosexual frat brothers to deep-kiss each other; the disclaimer “No homo!” is declared above the laughter when one frat brother pulls down his pants, pops out his penis,  and passes it across the lips of his sleeping brother; and drugs—from alcohol to pot to ecstasy—are the catch-all justifiers for a frat boy behaving outside the boundaries of heterosexuality. Anecdotal evidence is replete with tales of initiates being required to succumb (no pun intended) to the sexual demands of senior members; of en masse masturbation circles; of orgies where the number of males far exceeds that of females. At frat houses, in addition to all the “mooning” and “flashing” and “streaking” and “sizing-ups,” shower-room towel fights are almost obligatory. And where there are towel fights, there is nudity. But “pranks,”  “horseplay,” “roughhousing,” and “alcohol”—never bisexuality or homosexuality—are the scapegoats for such shenanigans.   Thus, the bromosexual is born. And to conceal his newly revealed sexuality, the bromosexual serial-dates college women or claims to be in a committed long-distance relationship with some phantom female….

Prisons

Sex amongst inmates is officially prohibited in most prisons the world over.  But it occurs. There are the men who form couples, and there are the men who engage in random or occasional sex-acts.  Regardless, prison etiquette dictates: don’t see; don’t tell. 

Male-on-male sex in prison is typically regarded as a fact of life behind bars. And those who, for whatever reason, indulge in such activities are generally afforded the requisite privacy. The inmates most likely to verbalize objection to prison sex, however, are the bromosexuals, for it is they who tend to have the greatest need to convincingly demonstrate their heterosexuality to fellow inmates. While gay and bi-sexual men tend to empathize or sympathize with prison sex even if they themselves do not engage in it; and while heterosexual men tend not to concern themselves with it, their focus being on returning to their wives, children, and girlfriends; the bromosexual inmate tends to be noticeably vociferous—and critical—about the sexual goings-on in prison.  Much of the sex-related gossip, gay-bashing, snitching, etc., in prison is perpetrated by bromosexuals, all the while engaging surreptitiously in the very activities they outwardly condemn. As the saying goes, “Show me a homo-hater, and I’ll show you a bromo-lover.”   

For the unwitting or novice, the bromosexual’s anti-gay/bi antics can be quite convincing, leaving the naïve observer believing that the bromosexual is the last person on Earth who would be gay. But for the inmate with an acumen for men’s motivational behavior, the bromosexual’s protestations are illustrative of his sexual ambiguity.  In essence, behavior is the barometer of the bromosexual. 

Once again, the D-words rear their ugly heads. The bromosexual’s modus operandi vis à vis prison sex is:  deny, deceive. delude. His bromosexual existence depends on those devices; his true sexuality must go undetected even to the most sexually intuitive.  As such, the bromosexual engages in behavior that is aimed at diverting attention from the sexual component of his prison bromance. 

Much of the bromosexual’s distractionary behavior centers around three activities:

a)- weight-lifting

b)- open-area visitations

c)-Spades

Weight-Lifting

Pumping iron is a metaphor of sorts for masculinity. It is high irony, therefore, for the weight pile to be one of the gayest sites in prisondom. Thus, it is there that bromosexuals congregate. Unlike other inmates, who, confident in their sexuality, find one workout partner, paying no attention to what other might think or say about the pairing, the  bromosexual, ever mindful to conceal his sexuality, typically works out in groups of three or four so as  not to give any definitive indication as to who is his primary workout partner.  For the bromosexual, there is nebulousness in numbers.

For the bromosexual, weight-training allows for male intimacy in plain view, yet disguised:  spotting affords the reclined bro an eyeful. Men who workout together monitor each other’s muscles; compliment each other on their physical progress;  greet each other with chest-thumping or shoulder-punching rather than a handshake or a fist-pump. They  massage each other’s muscles when the inevitable injuries occur; they enter[WJ1]  the shower room together after long, sweaty, workout sessions; they manscape each other’s hard-to-reach/see body parts.  Workout buddies cook and eat almost every meal together, ostensibly to ensure each other’s nutritional intake. Because of their mutual obsession with the prison pastime of developing their physiques, numerous opportunities arise for bros to spend time together—from early morning rendezvous to prepare and share pre-workout “breakfast sandwiches” to late-night hookups to guzzle down protein shakes before bidding each other a good night.  Arousal in the presence of a bro is explained away as “overactive steroids,” a “longing for female interaction,” or even a “penis workout.” (After all, the penis is made of muscles too!)  Anal penetration is not sex; it is a prostate massage. And late-night mutual masturbation in adjoining toilet or shower stalls is conducive to restful sleep and should not be interpreted as homo-erotic indulgences.  

Open-Area Visitation

There are men, who, despite being married or involved in long-term relationships with women, constantly boast about their various and sundry sexual liaisons with other women.  Those men oftentimes speak disparagingly about females, referring to them as “bitches” and providing graphic details about their conquests of the “pussy.” In prison, those men are almost always bromosexuals. And it is during open-area visitation that they seize the opportunity to prove their commitment to heterosexuality to both the female visitors and fellow male inmates.  Thus, it is the bromosexual who is almost always sanctioned for inappropriate sexual contact during visitations:  groping, fondling, intimate kissing, etc. And as they are carried off to the S.H.U. (Special Housing Unit) for misconduct, it is their “bro” who most grieves the violator’s absence, oftentimes becoming “asfixiado,” Spanish for “suffocated,” the term used by Puerto Rican inmates to describe the phenomenon whereby an inmate mourns the separation from another inmate.

Spades

The playing of Spades is a popular pastime of prisoners. Inmates align with each other and typically remain paired while successful. Otherwise, new pairs are formed, the idea being to learn new strategies from new partners, thereby perfecting each individual’s game. But Spades is also a perfect card game for bromo couples as it provides a pretext for a pair of prisoners to be together before, during, and after matches.  

Two teams of two players each compete. And because Spades is a game of strategy, teams comprised of two players who understand each other’s strategies have an increased chance for success. Typically, an undefeated team remains together, taking on new challengers.  But a team with wins and losses tends to eventually separate to form new partnerships, hoping to find success.  A team that remains together throughout wins and losses, never switching partners, is usually a team based on a partnership beyond Spades.  It is said that ”the Spades team that stays together is a Spades team of gays together.”

Boys’ Night Out

Married men and men in long-term relationships with women have managed to convince their female companions that the survival of the male gender depends upon “Boys’ Night Out”:  that in order for men to remain men after marriage and commitment to the fairer sex, they must be able to engage in all-male activities on a regular basis.  “Poker Night,”  “Beer with the Boys,” billiards, etc., have achieved sacrosanct status and are now inviolable.

At the foundation of “Boys Night Out” is the all-male “pack mentality” that manifests in the early teenage years.  For most men, it ends with their first profound encounter with the opposite sex.  But for other men, the pack mentality intensifies with age, enduring throughout life.  They are the men—typically in cliques of three to six or seven—who hung tight in college, were best-men and groomsmen in each other’s weddings, are godfathers to each other’s children, and are the nucleus around which their female counterparts revolve in collateral (and sometimes pseudo) friendships. Those are the same type of men who go away on those men-only motorcycle road trips, hunting getaways, fishing expeditions, and golfing get-togethers in far-flung destinations.  And it is on those “gaycations” that bromos express their “homones.” .    

14 Tell-tale Signs of Bromosexuality

1)-The need to view “heterosexual” porn before and/or during sex

Many men convince their female companions that looking at pornographic films, like the use of sex-toys, is an exciting accessory to sex.  When the films become a requirement, however, red flags should go up.  Not only are many women made to feel inadequate because they rarely resemble the porn heroines, but they are also oftentimes deceived by the bromo lovers who, unbeknownst to their female counterparts, use the films in order to achieve sexual arousal from the male actors. Then, to add insult to injury, few women are aware that there is also a genre of “straight” porn that is created for a gay audience. One way or another, porn as foreplay to sex is usually the preview of a tragic ending.  

2)-The tendency to date or marry bi-sexual women

Call it gambit or preemptive strike, bromosexuals tend to date or marry bi-sexual women, thereby neutralizing any complaints when the bromo’s bro becomes a “platonic” fixture in the marriage or relationship. 

3)-A staunchly professed inability to discern male beauty

Men in general—and bromosexuals are no exception—are notorious for claiming that they are incapable of seeing beauty in a man; only a gay man, they say, would describe a man as “beautiful” or “handsome.” Yet those same men—and bromosexuals even more so—are quick to declare another man “ugly,” without, apparently, ever stopping to realize the inconsistency.  

4)-The tendency to describe a man by the color of his eyes

Unless a man’s eye color is extraordinary to the point of being a freak of nature (such as a black man with blue eyes or an East Asian with green eyes), the color of another man’s eyes goes unnoticed by most heterosexual males.  Thus, if a man with an “all-man” appearance routinely describes men by eye color, that “all-man” man is likely to be a bromosexual.

5)-A passion for “alternative” nightclubs

A bromosexual is unlikely to attend a gay club in a locale where he is likely to be recognized; the last thing he wants is to be suspected as being gay. But he wants to have a bird’s-eye view of the goings-on of alternative entertainment. So, his preference is for entertainment venues where everyone and everything goes—clubs where there are straight people, gay people, transgender people, single people, coupled people.  At such establishments there might be female burlesque performers, male strippers, female impersonators, the full gamut.  And the bromosexual is able to relish in it all while safely maintaining his “straight” status.   

6)-An openness to “heterosexual” group-sex

Bromos tend to be game for group-sex:  “train-sex” on a girl during Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale; a bromo and his bro tag-teaming a “bitch” in their hotel room while on a Harley-Davidson convention; an orgy. The common denominator of all such sex-acts is the presence of at least one other naked man.

7)-An openness to dating and/or marrying women of another race

A bromosexual tends to invoke “cultural differences” in his attempts to explain away his female companion’s attempts to make sense of the bromosexual’s friendship with his bro or an overall inability to perform.

8)-Becomes highly offended if asked about his sexuality

Calling into question a bromosexual’s sexual orientation oftentimes marks the beginning of the end of his relationship with the inquirer. A bromosexual’s social persona is carefully crafted to exude unambiguous heterosexuality. Consequently, any questioning thereof is regarded as a direct challenge to the bromo’s very existence.

9)-The use of cutting-edge “gay” vocabulary to “test” the waters

Most bromosexuals make it a point to keep abreast of cutting-edge gay culture so as to be able to navigate its subtleties without causing waves.  Using hot-off-the-press gay terminology enables the bromo to discreetly fish for ilk. In a prison environment, for example, he might throw out as bait the term “woof”—which, according to the Urban Dictionary, is an adjective used in the gay community to describe, upon encountering in passing, a masculine, sexy man—knowing that if an inmate bites the bait by indicating his familiarity with the term, the bromo would have hooked the inmate, hook, line, and sinker.  Likewise, a bromo might describe a fellow inmate as “trade,” knowing that only a gay man is likely to know that “trade” is used in gay lingo to describe a man who appears unmistakably straight but is, in fact, gay or bisexual. Then, once the bromo has reeled in the catch of the day with the subtle use of words, the rest is smooth sailing….

10)-The tradition of the annual, men-only vacation to faraway destinations with close friends

Bromosexuals tend to socialize in man-packs consisting of at least three—but sometimes as many as six or seven—bros, the specific bromosexuals couples within the pack camouflaged by the size of the pack.  For bromos, there is safety in numbers, for group-size enables gay guys to disguise.  And those annual getaways allow the bromo couples within the man-pack to unimpededly express their masculine intimacy.

11)-The desire to possess the iconic accoutrements of masculinity

Bromosexuals, in order to solidify their public male personas, desire objects that are quintessentially masculine:  a Harley-Davidson motorbike; the Cuban cigars; the Stetson hat.

12)-A vehemently professed repulsion by homosexual sex

Bromosexuals are typically very vocal about their supposed abhorrence of homosexuality. When questioned publicly, the bromosexual claims to be utterly, categorically repulsed by the very thought of homosexual sex, let alone the act. World hunger, genocide, global warming, domestic violence, and child abuse do not offend his sensibilities as much as homosexual sex. He publicly regards homosexuality as an abomination. According to him, homosexuals should be exterminated; and they deserve every bit of the hate-speech and gay- bashing they receive.   The bromosexual is a classic case of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

13)-The tendency to gossip about and expose the sexuality of other persons

A bromosexual relishes in gossiping about and exposing the sexuality of others.  Whether motivated by misery liking company or as a tactic to deflect attention from his own sexuality, the bromo seizes upon every opportunity—even at the expense of breaching the strictest of confidences—to “out” others, make disparaging remarks about alternative sexualities, and hypocritically condemn the sexuality of others.

14)-Regularly boasts about the numerous sexual encounters he has with women

Despite being married, being in a long-term relationship, or having at least one baby-momma, a bromosexual regularly boasts, while in the company of men, about his many sexual escapades with “bitches” and brags about the quantity of “pussy” he gets on demand.

Bromosexual Sex

A bromosexual presents and represents himself as the consummate heterosexual. Enter again more D-words:  delusion and deflection. His appearance and demeanor are honed to defy and belie his homosexuality or bisexuality.  The bromo’s aim is to convince others—by any means necessary—that he is straight. And his performance is so convincing that he oftentimes convinces himself.  Thus, when two bromosexuals engage in the act of sex, especially in the nascent stage of the relationship, their sex is never processed as “gay” or “bisexual” sex. It is whatever else they deem it to be.   

In the courting stage of a bromosexual  relationship, as a throwback to the college-age years, sex is typically preceded by one or more of the seemingly countless, sexually charged masculine activities such as wrestling, muscle-flexing, pectoral-pounding, biceps-bragging, shoulder-punching, jock strap-snapping, butt-patting, armpit-sniffing, penis-grabbing, etc. And when a less ambiguous approach is required, the sex-by-contest method is employed, where to the victor go the spoils. Bromo sex allows a man to be “all male” during sex with another man.  There is no need, as is the case in heterosexual sex, to express “feminine qualities” such as tenderness, affection, sensitivity, and passion.  To the contrary, bromo sex can be rough, hard, aggressive, forceful—the way real men like to do things.  After all, real men don’t cry….  Bromos relish riding “bareback” (with lots of butt-cheek slapping for good measure), and their lubricant of choice is saliva, for condoms and commercial lubricant suggest premeditation, and preparedness indicates intent, which spells g-a-y, “gay.”

In bromo sex, lovers speak the same language:  Manglish. And from that male-only language has emerged a lexicon (referred to as a “sexicon”), its aim being to heterosexualize gay sex.  As such, a bromosexual does not penetrate an anus, for that sounds too gay.  Instead, he penetrates a “brussy”(bro-pussy) or a “brogina” (bro-vagina).   Code-language for a bro’s ass is “brass,” (bro-ass), and bromo anilingus is referred to as “polishing brass.” A gay man gives his boyfriend a blowjob; but a bromosexual gives his bro a “bro-job” and rationalizes it as an all-natural, no-preservatives source of “brotein.”  Big difference…. And as an added perquisite, bros don’t need to call each other the morning after…  Only women fuss over such things….

A bromosexual, in the name of friendship, seizes upon every opportunity to participate with or witness his bro engaging in heterosexual sex.  Two bros sharing one woman is the ultimate bromo sexual fantasy, for it allows the bros to have sexual interaction with each other within the context of “straight” sex.  In such instances, they encourage double-penetration of the female, thereby allowing their penises to rub in the process. And whenever a threesome is out of the question, the left-out bro is oftentimes invited to perform as videographer or director. For bros, voyeurism is simply “ broyuerism.”  

Bromosexual sex is typically flip-flop sex, each man serving in both active and passive roles.  There is a lot of anilingus, fellatio, irumatio, and os impurum.  There is  arm-pit licking, nipple-sucking, cleavage-tracing, and old-fashioned deep-kissing.  Facing each other, bros rub their penises against each other. Bromosex oftentimes culminates in “breeding,” where the bros ejaculate in each other’s rectum. After all, there is no need to be concerned with unwanted pregnancy….   

Conclusion:

“Bromosexual” is an emerging term. Urban Dictionary defines it illustratively (albeit tongue-in-cheek) as follows:

“A guy who is a bromosexual is totally straight. In fact he will punch you in the face if you say that he’s gay.  He’s so totally straight that he has sex with tons of chicks…sure his bro might be in the room with him, maybe videotaping it (with lots of close-ups of the penis)…or doing the same girl at the same time…with their penises touching….

So what if he’s always slapping his broham’s ass…and always hangs out in the shower at the gym…and yeah, maybe he was in a few circle jerks in middle school…and sure he puts his penis and/or testicles on his friends’ faces every chance he gets when they’re passed out drunk… and sure that frat initiation thing was a bit weird, but…

HE IS TOTALLY 100% NOT GAY.

Dude:  You’re so gay.

Bromosexual:  Shut up! I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS if you say I’m gay!!!

Other Dude:  Heh. Wait…What?

By contrast, Dictionary.com defines “bromsexual” as: 1. adjective. “noting or relating to a close but nonsexual friendship between to men, typically a heterosexual man and a gay man (usually used facetiously).”

                                                                                                 2.  noun.  “a man who has one or more close but nonsexual friendships with men (usually used facetiously).”

While the term “bromosexual” is still emerging and evolving, the Urban Dictionary’s definition is regarded as the more accurate and generally accepted, primarily because “sex” is an inextricable and defining component of the term “bromoSEXual.”  As such, definitions and literature that describe bromosexual relationships as nonsexual relationships are counterintuitive.

Despite the fact that the term “bromosexual” is so cutting-edge and subculture that most people today—even those entrenched in counterculture—have never heard of it, the term describes, ironically, an outlook on human sexuality that is exceedingly outdated.  The bromosexual may self-describe as the über-man or as Bromo sapien, but, in reality, his point of view on sexuality smacks of the Neanderthal, for inspite ofall the social progress of the 21st century—from Marriage Equality to Tolerance and Inclusion to Gay Pride to Brokeback Mountain—the bromosexual’s need to employ the D-words of deception, denial, deflection, etc., to hide his homosexual or bisexual identity is indicative of yet another D-word: dysfunction. And it’s all for naught, for the world has long moved on…. Isn’t it high time the bromosexual move on too?

In the age-old struggle for Equality of Sexuality, everyone—except the bromo—has contributed to the cause:  the fag the fairy the queen the queer the tranny the granny the dyke the chick with the dick. The big, strong, bullying bromo, however, rather than being in the frontline or in the trenches, where his brawn could be put to good use, has been at the gym, or worse yet, in bed with the enemy. The proverbial 64,000-dollar question, therefore, is:  What could a big, strong, bullying bromo possibly be afraid of? The “Brogeyman”?   


 [WJ1]

Bromosexuals: A Full-Frontal View

Bromosexuals: A Full-Frontal View

 Wayne James, author of Manly Manners

ManlyManners2020@gmail.com

December 4, 2020

Overview:

A “bromosexual” is a man’s man—literally and figuratively. To the naked eye, he is not only heterosexual, he is the über-male, the embodiment of testosterone on steroids, the last man on planet Earth to be suspected of being gay or bi-sexual. Mere men are Homo sapiens; bromosexuals are “Bromo sapiens.” But, alas, looks are oftentimes deceiving…. The bromosexual espouses beards, babes, and barbells. But he adores his “Bro” every bit as much. And “ay, there’s the rub.”

If pressed, the bromosexual will admit that the exceedingly close friendship he enjoys with his special “bro” is a “bromance.” But all bromances are not created equal:  On one hand, a bromance is simply an intimate, platonic relationship between two men, regardless of their respective sexual orientation; bromance à la bromosexual, however, is an intimate, sexual relationship between two men who appear unequivocally heterosexual. And in the 21st century, bromosexual bromances abound—in front everybody’s face, yet behind everybody’s back. To put it more succinctly—even if admittedly more crassly—bromosexuals are cock-friends masquerading as jock-friends.   

By definition, every red-blooded bromosexual will vehemently deny—even to the point of resorting to physical violence—that there is a sexual component to his bromantic pursuits, even when, as is oftentimes the case, sex is the raison d’être for the friendship itself. The world of the bromosexual is one of D-words:   disguise, dares, disclaimers, and dicks.  In essence, he is “on the DL”—but in plain view. The unwitting observer is never to deduce that the bromosexual’s preoccupation with things masculine goes hand-in-hand with his preoccupation with males.

If there had to be a poster boy for the bromosexual, he would be swarthy, hairy, and brawny:  the fireman; the construction worker; a Harley-Davidson biker; an NFL player. But in reality, he comes in all shapes and sizes, from college jock to jockey to lumberjack. Prerequisite No. 1 for attaining “bromo” status, however, is a decidedly (even if stereotypically so) masculine persona. Therefore, metrosexuals need not apply, and femme-types do not qualify.  Essentially, a bromo (short for bromosexual), whether bi or homo, must appear 110% hetero:  He must be able to exist under the radar of gaydar. Prerequisite No. 2 is a wife or a long-term girlfriend and natural-born or adopted children/stepchildren. (Alternatively, a bromo must have at least one baby-momma.) These female counterparts are essential to the credibility of the putative platonic nature of the bromosexual’s bromance and are referred to as “cover-girls” or “beards.”    

The term “bromosexual” is a mash-up of “bro,” which is the shortened form of “brother,” and “homosexual.” The origin of the species seems to have emerged from the hyper-masculine iconic elements of gay culture such as Tom of Finland, wrestling porn, leathermen, and SMBD (Sado-Masochism Bondage and Discipline).

Despite Herculean advancements—such as the legalization of same-sex marriage and the proliferation of alternative forms of sexuality in mainstream media—stigma persists vis à vis all forms of sexuality except heterosexuality.  And of all the various expressions that unfold along the continuum of human sexuality, it is the bromosexual who remains the most ensconced in denial. But that should come as no surprise since the goal of the bromosexual, by definition, is to appear super-hetero. Thus, unlike the other non-traditional expressions of sexuality that have taken up their posts in the trenches in order fight for change, acceptance, and tolerance, the bromosexual, despite his characteristic machismo, has not only hidden behind a veil of virility, but has oftentimes actively sabotaged the cause either through non-participation, or, worse yet, by aligning with the opposition via vociferous hate-speech, gay-bashing, and subterfuge.      

The Making of the Bromosexual:

Bromosexuals tend to thrive in three principal habitats: in fraternity houses on college campuses; in prisons; and in the gathering places for “boys’ night out.”

Fraternity Houses

For the young man who leaves his home and hometown to go off to college, his school becomes a ground-zero for self-rebranding. Away from family and friends, he is able to begin anew the journey towards becoming his own man.  And in that fertile environment of self-realization, a fraternity house is a veritable laboratory for sexual experimentation. In that hormone-charged milieu, the layers of sexuality are peeled away and dissected, uncovering and laying bare the young man’s true sexual anatomy.  Fraternity brothers are typically a ready, willing, and able test-group to assist in the probing.  

In Western culture, the university years are traditionally very forgiving years.  Young people are allowed, or even encouraged, to let their hair down and be free, the tacit understanding being that what happens in college stays in college—that upon departing the hallowed halls of academia, one’s slate will be wiped clean of all adolescent indiscretions. But while in generations past such unconventional goings-on would waft away on the winds of time into the recesses of oblivion, today, with the ubiquitous mobile device and surveillance cameras, engaging is risqué behavior can have life-long ramifications.  

But as the saying goes, “Boys will be boys….”  And everyone knows what happens when boys play house…. Enter:  the D-words:  a dare is ostensibly what prompted two  certifiably  heterosexual frat brothers to deep-kiss each other; the disclaimer “No homo!” is declared above the laughter when one frat brother pulls down his pants, pops out his penis,  and passes it across the lips of his sleeping brother; and drugs—from alcohol to pot to ecstasy—are the catch-all justifiers for a frat boy behaving outside the boundaries of heterosexuality. Anecdotal evidence is replete with tales of initiates being required to succumb (no pun intended) to the sexual demands of senior members; of en masse masturbation circles; of orgies where the number of males far exceeds that of females. At frat houses, in addition to all the “mooning” and “flashing” and “streaking” and “sizing-ups,” shower-room towel fights are almost obligatory. And where there are towel fights, there is nudity. But “pranks,”  “horseplay,” “roughhousing,” and “alcohol”—never bisexuality or homosexuality—are the scapegoats for such shenanigans.   Thus, the bromosexual is born. And to conceal his newly revealed sexuality, the bromosexual serial-dates college women or claims to be in a committed long-distance relationship with some phantom female….

Prisons

Sex amongst inmates is officially prohibited in most prisons the world over.  But it occurs. There are the men who form couples, and there are the men who engage in random or occasional sex-acts.  Regardless, prison etiquette dictates: don’t see; don’t tell. 

Male-on-male sex in prison is typically regarded as a fact of life behind bars. And those who, for whatever reason, indulge in such activities are generally afforded the requisite privacy. The inmates most likely to verbalize objection to prison sex, however, are the bromosexuals, for it is they who tend to have the greatest need to convincingly demonstrate their heterosexuality to fellow inmates. While gay and bi-sexual men tend to empathize or sympathize with prison sex even if they themselves do not engage in it; and while heterosexual men tend not to concern themselves with it, their focus being on returning to their wives, children, and girlfriends; the bromosexual inmate tends to be noticeably vociferous—and critical—about the sexual goings-on in prison.  Much of the sex-related gossip, gay-bashing, snitching, etc., in prison is perpetrated by bromosexuals, all the while engaging surreptitiously in the very activities they outwardly condemn. As the saying goes, “Show me a homo-hater, and I’ll show you a bromo-lover.”   

For the unwitting or novice, the bromosexual’s anti-gay/bi antics can be quite convincing, leaving the naïve observer believing that the bromosexual is the last person on Earth who would be gay. But for the inmate with an acumen for men’s motivational behavior, the bromosexual’s protestations are illustrative of his sexual ambiguity.  In essence, behavior is the barometer of the bromosexual. 

Once again, the D-words rear their ugly heads. The bromosexual’s modus operandi vis à vis prison sex is:  deny, deceive. delude. His bromosexual existence depends on those devices; his true sexuality must go undetected even to the most sexually intuitive.  As such, the bromosexual engages in behavior that is aimed at diverting attention from the sexual component of his prison bromance. 

Much of the bromosexual’s distractionary behavior centers around three activities:

a)- weight-lifting

b)- open-area visitations

c)-Spades

Weight-Lifting

Pumping iron is a metaphor of sorts for masculinity. It is high irony, therefore, for the weight pile to be one of the gayest sites in prisondom. Thus, it is there that bromosexuals congregate. Unlike other inmates, who, confident in their sexuality, find one workout partner, paying no attention to what other might think or say about the pairing, the  bromosexual, ever mindful to conceal his sexuality, typically works out in groups of three or four so as  not to give any definitive indication as to who is his primary workout partner.  For the bromosexual, there is nebulousness in numbers.

For the bromosexual, weight-training allows for male intimacy in plain view, yet disguised:  spotting affords the reclined bro an eyeful. Men who workout together monitor each other’s muscles; compliment each other on their physical progress;  greet each other with chest-thumping or shoulder-punching rather than a handshake or a fist-pump. They  massage each other’s muscles when the inevitable injuries occur; they enter[WJ1]  the shower room together after long, sweaty, workout sessions; they manscape each other’s hard-to-reach/see body parts.  Workout buddies cook and eat almost every meal together, ostensibly to ensure each other’s nutritional intake. Because of their mutual obsession with the prison pastime of developing their physiques, numerous opportunities arise for bros to spend time together—from early morning rendezvous to prepare and share pre-workout “breakfast sandwiches” to late-night hookups to guzzle down protein shakes before bidding each other a good night.  Arousal in the presence of a bro is explained away as “overactive steroids,” a “longing for female interaction,” or even a “penis workout.” (After all, the penis is made of muscles too!)  Anal penetration is not sex; it is a prostate massage. And late-night mutual masturbation in adjoining toilet or shower stalls is conducive to restful sleep and should not be interpreted as homo-erotic indulgences.  

Open-Area Visitation

There are men, who, despite being married or involved in long-term relationships with women, constantly boast about their various and sundry sexual liaisons with other women.  Those men oftentimes speak disparagingly about females, referring to them as “bitches” and providing graphic details about their conquests of the “pussy.” In prison, those men are almost always bromosexuals. And it is during open-area visitation that they seize the opportunity to prove their commitment to heterosexuality to both the female visitors and fellow male inmates.  Thus, it is the bromosexual who is almost always sanctioned for inappropriate sexual contact during visitations:  groping, fondling, intimate kissing, etc. And as they are carried off to the S.H.U. (Special Housing Unit) for misconduct, it is their “bro” who most grieves the violator’s absence, oftentimes becoming “asfixiado,” Spanish for “suffocated,” the term used by Puerto Rican inmates to describe the phenomenon whereby an inmate mourns the separation from another inmate.

Spades

The playing of Spades is a popular pastime of prisoners. Inmates align with each other and typically remain paired while successful. Otherwise, new pairs are formed, the idea being to learn new strategies from new partners, thereby perfecting each individual’s game. But Spades is also a perfect card game for bromo couples as it provides a pretext for a pair of prisoners to be together before, during, and after matches.  

Two teams of two players each compete. And because Spades is a game of strategy, teams comprised of two players who understand each other’s strategies have an increased chance for success. Typically, an undefeated team remains together, taking on new challengers.  But a team with wins and losses tends to eventually separate to form new partnerships, hoping to find success.  A team that remains together throughout wins and losses, never switching partners, is usually a team based on a partnership beyond Spades.  It is said that ”the Spades team that stays together is a Spades team of gays together.”

Boys’ Night Out

Married men and men in long-term relationships with women have managed to convince their female companions that the survival of the male gender depends upon “Boys’ Night Out”:  that in order for men to remain men after marriage and commitment to the fairer sex, they must be able to engage in all-male activities on a regular basis.  “Poker Night,”  “Beer with the Boys,” billiards, etc., have achieved sacrosanct status and are now inviolable.

At the foundation of “Boys Night Out” is the all-male “pack mentality” that manifests in the early teenage years.  For most men, it ends with their first profound encounter with the opposite sex.  But for other men, the pack mentality intensifies with age, enduring throughout life.  They are the men—typically in cliques of three to six or seven—who hung tight in college, were best-men and groomsmen in each other’s weddings, are godfathers to each other’s children, and are the nucleus around which their female counterparts revolve in collateral (and sometimes pseudo) friendships. Those are the same type of men who go away on those men-only motorcycle road trips, hunting getaways, fishing expeditions, and golfing get-togethers in far-flung destinations.  And it is on those “gaycations” that bromos express their “homones.” .    

14 Tell-tale Signs of Bromosexuality

1)-The need to view “heterosexual” porn before and/or during sex

Many men convince their female companions that looking at pornographic films, like the use of sex-toys, is an exciting accessory to sex.  When the films become a requirement, however, red flags should go up.  Not only are many women made to feel inadequate because they rarely resemble the porn heroines, but they are also oftentimes deceived by the bromo lovers who, unbeknownst to their female counterparts, use the films in order to achieve sexual arousal from the male actors. Then, to add insult to injury, few women are aware that there is also a genre of “straight” porn that is created for a gay audience. One way or another, porn as foreplay to sex is usually the preview of a tragic ending.  

2)-The tendency to date or marry bi-sexual women

Call it gambit or preemptive strike, bromosexuals tend to date or marry bi-sexual women, thereby neutralizing any complaints when the bromo’s bro becomes a “platonic” fixture in the marriage or relationship. 

3)-A staunchly professed inability to discern male beauty

Men in general—and bromosexuals are no exception—are notorious for claiming that they are incapable of seeing beauty in a man; only a gay man, they say, would describe a man as “beautiful” or “handsome.” Yet those same men—and bromosexuals even more so—are quick to declare another man “ugly,” without, apparently, ever stopping to realize the inconsistency.  

4)-The tendency to describe a man by the color of his eyes

Unless a man’s eye color is extraordinary to the point of being a freak of nature (such as a black man with blue eyes or an East Asian with green eyes), the color of another man’s eyes goes unnoticed by most heterosexual males.  Thus, if a man with an “all-man” appearance routinely describes men by eye color, that “all-man” man is likely to be a bromosexual.

5)-A passion for “alternative” nightclubs

A bromosexual is unlikely to attend a gay club in a locale where he is likely to be recognized; the last thing he wants is to be suspected as being gay. But he wants to have a bird’s-eye view of the goings-on of alternative entertainment. So, his preference is for entertainment venues where everyone and everything goes—clubs where there are straight people, gay people, transgender people, single people, coupled people.  At such establishments there might be female burlesque performers, male strippers, female impersonators, the full gamut.  And the bromosexual is able to relish in it all while safely maintaining his “straight” status.   

6)-An openness to “heterosexual” group-sex

Bromos tend to be game for group-sex:  “train-sex” on a girl during Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale; a bromo and his bro tag-teaming a “bitch” in their hotel room while on a Harley-Davidson convention; an orgy. The common denominator of all such sex-acts is the presence of at least one other naked man.

7)-An openness to dating and/or marrying women of another race

A bromosexual tends to invoke “cultural differences” in his attempts to explain away his female companion’s attempts to make sense of the bromosexual’s friendship with his bro or an overall inability to perform.

8)-Becomes highly offended if asked about his sexuality

Calling into question a bromosexual’s sexual orientation oftentimes marks the beginning of the end of his relationship with the inquirer. A bromosexual’s social persona is carefully crafted to exude unambiguous heterosexuality. Consequently, any questioning thereof is regarded as a direct challenge to the bromo’s very existence.

9)-The use of cutting-edge “gay” vocabulary to “test” the waters

Most bromosexuals make it a point to keep abreast of cutting-edge gay culture so as to be able to navigate its subtleties without causing waves.  Using hot-off-the-press gay terminology enables the bromo to discreetly fish for ilk. In a prison environment, for example, he might throw out as bait the term “woof”—which, according to the Urban Dictionary, is an adjective used in the gay community to describe, upon encountering in passing, a masculine, sexy man—knowing that if an inmate bites the bait by indicating his familiarity with the term, the bromo would have hooked the inmate, hook, line, and sinker.  Likewise, a bromo might describe a fellow inmate as “trade,” knowing that only a gay man is likely to know that “trade” is used in gay lingo to describe a man who appears unmistakably straight but is, in fact, gay or bisexual. Then, once the bromo has reeled in the catch of the day with the subtle use of words, the rest is smooth sailing….

10)-The tradition of the annual, men-only vacation to faraway destinations with close friends

Bromosexuals tend to socialize in man-packs consisting of at least three—but sometimes as many as six or seven—bros, the specific bromosexuals couples within the pack camouflaged by the size of the pack.  For bromos, there is safety in numbers, for group-size enables gay guys to disguise.  And those annual getaways allow the bromo couples within the man-pack to unimpededly express their masculine intimacy.

11)-The desire to possess the iconic accoutrements of masculinity

Bromosexuals, in order to solidify their public male personas, desire objects that are quintessentially masculine:  a Harley-Davidson motorbike; the Cuban cigars; the Stetson hat.

12)-A vehemently professed repulsion by homosexual sex

Bromosexuals are typically very vocal about their supposed abhorrence of homosexuality. When questioned publicly, the bromosexual claims to be utterly, categorically repulsed by the very thought of homosexual sex, let alone the act. World hunger, genocide, global warming, domestic violence, and child abuse do not offend his sensibilities as much as homosexual sex. He publicly regards homosexuality as an abomination. According to him, homosexuals should be exterminated; and they deserve every bit of the hate-speech and gay- bashing they receive.   The bromosexual is a classic case of “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

13)-The tendency to gossip about and expose the sexuality of other persons

A bromosexual relishes in gossiping about and exposing the sexuality of others.  Whether motivated by misery liking company or as a tactic to deflect attention from his own sexuality, the bromo seizes upon every opportunity—even at the expense of breaching the strictest of confidences—to “out” others, make disparaging remarks about alternative sexualities, and hypocritically condemn the sexuality of others.

14)-Regularly boasts about the numerous sexual encounters he has with women

Despite being married, being in a long-term relationship, or having at least one baby-momma, a bromosexual, when in the company of men, regularly boasts about his numerous sexual escapades with “bitches” and brags about the amount of “pussy” he gets on demand.

Bromosexual Sex

A bromosexual presents and represents himself as the consummate heterosexual. Enter again more D-words:  delusion and deflection. His appearance and demeanor are honed to defy and belie his homosexuality or bisexuality.  The bromo’s aim is to convince others—by any means necessary—that he is straight. And his performance is so convincing that he oftentimes convinces himself.  Thus, when two bromosexuals engage in the act of sex, especially in the nascent stage of the relationship, their sex is never processed as “gay” or “bisexual” sex. It is whatever else they deem it to be.   

In the courting stage of a bromosexual  relationship, as a throwback to the college-age years, sex is typically preceded by one or more of the seemingly countless, sexually charged masculine activities such as wrestling, muscle-flexing, pectoral-pounding, biceps-bragging, shoulder-punching, jock strap-snapping, butt-patting, armpit-sniffing, penis-grabbing, etc. And when a less ambiguous approach is required, the sex-by-contest method is employed, where to the victor go the spoils. Bromo sex allows a man to be “all male” during sex with another man.  There is no need, as is the case in heterosexual sex, to express “feminine qualities” such as tenderness, affection, sensitivity, and passion.  To the contrary, bromo sex can be rough, hard, aggressive, forceful—the way real men like to do things.  After all, real men don’t cry….  Bromos relish riding “bareback” (with lots of butt-cheek slapping for good measure), and their lubricant of choice is saliva, for condoms and commercial lubricant suggest premeditation, and preparedness indicates intent, which spells g-a-y, “gay.”

In bromo sex, lovers speak the same language:  Manglish. And from that male-only language has emerged a lexicon (referred to as a “sexicon”), its aim being to heterosexualize gay sex.  As such, a bromosexual does not penetrate an anus, for that sounds too gay.  Instead, he penetrates a “brussy”(bro-pussy) or a “brogina” (bro-vagina).   Code-language for a bro’s ass is “brass,” (bro-ass), and bromo anilingus is referred to as “polishing brass.” A gay man gives his boyfriend a blowjob; but a bromosexual gives his bro a “bro-job” and rationalizes it as an all-natural, no-preservatives source of “brotein.”  Big difference…. And as an added perquisite, bros don’t need to call each other the morning after…  Only women fuss over such things….

A bromosexual, in the name of friendship, seizes upon every opportunity to participate with or witness his bro engaging in heterosexual sex.  Two bros sharing one woman is the ultimate bromo sexual fantasy, for it allows the bros to have sexual interaction with each other within the context of “straight” sex.  In such instances, they encourage double-penetration of the female, thereby allowing their penises to rub in the process. And whenever a threesome is out of the question, the left-out bro is oftentimes invited to perform as videographer or director. For bros, voyeurism is simply “ broyuerism.”  

Bromosexual sex is typically flip-flop sex, each man serving in both active and passive roles.  There is a lot of anilingus, fellatio, irumatio, and os impurum.  There is  arm-pit licking, nipple-sucking, cleavage-tracing, and old-fashioned deep-kissing.  Facing each other, bros rub their penises against each other. Bromosex oftentimes culminates in “breeding,” where the bros ejaculate in each other’s rectum. After all, there is no need to be concerned with unwanted pregnancy….   

Conclusion:

“Bromosexual” is an emerging term. Urban Dictionary defines it illustratively (albeit tongue-in-cheek) as follows:

“A guy who is a bromosexual is totally straight. In fact he will punch you in the face if you say that he’s gay.  He’s so totally straight that he has sex with tons of chicks…sure his bro might be in the room with him, maybe videotaping it (with lots of close-ups of the penis)…or doing the same girl at the same time…with their penises touching….

So what if he’s always slapping his broham’s ass…and always hangs out in the shower at the gym…and yeah, maybe he was in a few circle jerks in middle school…and sure he puts his penis and/or testicles on his friends’ faces every chance he gets when they’re passed out drunk… and sure that frat initiation thing was a bit weird, but…

HE IS TOTALLY 100% NOT GAY.

Dude:  You’re so gay.

Bromosexual:  Shut up! I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS if you say I’m gay!!!

Other Dude:  Heh. Wait…What?

By contrast, Dictionary.com defines “bromsexual” as: 1. adjective. “noting or relating to a close but nonsexual friendship between to men, typically a heterosexual man and a gay man (usually used facetiously).”

                                                                                                 2.  noun.  “a man who has one or more close but nonsexual friendships with men (usually used facetiously).”

While the term “bromosexual” is still emerging and evolving, the Urban Dictionary’s definition is regarded as the more accurate and generally accepted, primarily because “sex” is an inextricable and defining component of the term “bromoSEXual.”  As such, definitions and literature that describe bromosexual relationships as nonsexual relationships are counterintuitive.

Despite the fact that the term “bromosexual” is so cutting-edge and subculture that most people today—even those entrenched in counterculture—have never heard of it, the term describes, ironically, an outlook on human sexuality that is exceedingly outdated.  The bromosexual may self-describe as the über-man or as Bromo sapien, but, in reality, his point of view on sexuality smacks of the Neanderthal, for inspite ofall the social progress of the 21st century—from Marriage Equality to Tolerance and Inclusion to Gay Pride to Brokeback Mountain—the bromosexual’s need to employ the D-words of deception, denial, deflection, etc., to hide his homosexual or bisexual identity is indicative of yet another D-word: dysfunction. And it’s all for naught, for the world has long moved on…. Isn’t it high time the bromosexual move on too?

In the age-old struggle for Equality of Sexuality, everyone—except the bromo—has contributed to the cause:  the fag the fairy the queen the queer the tranny the granny the dyke the chick with the dick. The big, strong, bullying bromo, however, rather than being in the frontline or in the trenches, where his brawn could be put to good use, has been at the gym, or worse yet, in bed with the enemy. The proverbial 64,000-dollar question, therefore, is:  What could a big, strong, bullying bromo possibly be afraid of? The “Brogeyman”?   


 [WJ1]