The Makeshift Bidet

The Makeshift Bidet

In northern Europe, Great Britain, and much of the world influenced thereby, the bidet, alas, is not yet a standard bathroom fixture (though it should, on grounds of public health, be required by law the world over!). And “wet-wipes” are still not de rigueur in most bidet-less bathrooms. So, in essence, many inhabitants of the “First World” walk around with traces of “Number Two” up their butts.
But for the gentleman who has experienced the beauty of a bidet, there is no turning back: “Once you go bidet, there is no other way.” So what’s a gentleman to do when he encounters a loo without a bidet? Cross his legs, hope to die, dry-wipe his butt then each thigh?
Enter: The Makeshift Bidet. In lieu of a bidet, attached to the water-source of some toilets is a douchette—a hose with a spray-faucet. A douchette is used thus: After using toilet paper to dry-wipe, a gentleman flushes the toilet, then positions himself towards the front of the toilet seat, thereafter using the hose, held in his right hand, to spray water onto the small of his back as his cupped left hand, into which a dab of liquid soap has been dispensed, is used as a “catchment” directly under the buttocks (and above the water in the toilet bowl!) to catch the water cascading down the cleft of his buttocks, washing his anus, buttocks, and genitals clean. When a proper cleansing has been achieved, the gentleman raises himself from the toilet seat, pat-dries his buttocks and genitals with paper towel, then preliminarily self-washes his left hand over the toilet, using the right hand to operate the douchette. Thereafter, the hose is replaced onto its wall-mounted holder; the toilet is again flushed; the toilet seat is tidied before its lid is lowered; the gentleman thoroughly washes both hands with soap and water over the washbasin; then rearranges his clothing in preparation for exiting the restroom.
Some bathrooms that have neither bidet nor douchette have a makeshift bidet–a plastic pitcher (usually with a long spout such as those used for watering potted plants), that is placed discretely, but suggestively, next to the toilet. Filling the pitcher with cool water before using the toilet, a gentleman, after dry-wiping and flushing the toilet, positions himself towards the front of the toilet seat as described above, thereafter using the pitcher, held in his right hand, to pour water onto the small of his back as his cupped left hand, bearing a dab of liquid soap, is used to cleanse himself. Thereafter, the empty pitcher is returned to its original position, and the gentleman proceeds to tidy the toilet and himself in preparation for exiting the restroom.

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