The Five Tiers of Sex–and the etiquette associated with each tier


There are five tiers of sexual intercourse: Spontaneous Sex; Release-Sex; Hedonistic Sex; Love-Sex; and Procreative sex. And each tier should proudly occupy its rightful place in the life of a gentleman, for they are all valid and necessary for a healthy sex life.

Spontaneous Sex

There are times, particularly in a young gentleman’s foray into the world of sexual relations, when he is free, physically beautiful, single, and unengaged, that spontaneous, unanticipated sexual opportunities will present themselves: Home during the summer on break from his university studies, the young gentleman, working for an international courier company and sporting his well-muscled legs in the company’s short-pants ensemble, delivers a package to an apartment 2B in the East Village only to find out that the recipient is more interested in his “package” than the package; or, while waiting for a dear friend in front of David in Florence’s Piazza della Signoria, an elegantly dressed Italian girl walks up to the waiting gentleman and says, “I am sure you are more beautiful naked than he”; or a masked stranger at the Carnival Ball at Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Palace Hotel interrupts a young gentleman’s furious samba, takes him by his hand, removes her mask, kisses him, and says, “It takes two to tango, but samba is better with four. Come join us.”

Perhaps twice or thrice in a gentleman’s young years he should seize those opportunities for Spontaneous Sex; they can make for exhilarating, memorable vignettes, the essence of which will endure a lifetime. In the 1960s, when the Sexual Revolution was in its infancy, such encounters were appropriately called “quickies.” And for the generation before that, they were categorically described as “slam, bam, thank you ma’ams.” Generally lasting less than ten minutes (then and now), they are meant to be fun, fast, fleeting encounters where, at best, only first names are exchanged, no contact information is shared, and there are no expectations beyond adventure and pleasure. But the fact that the participants in such encounters are usually transients is irrelevant in terms of etiquette: It is of paramount importance that a gentleman extend all social and sexual courtesies to his Spontaneous-Sex partner. Doors must be opened, chairs must be pulled out, kindness and affection must be demonstrated, and, of course, a gentleman must rise when appropriate for a lady! At the end, participants generally say, “Thank you! This was so much fun!” (Or something along those lines) and go their separate ways, oftentimes never to see each other again in life. Clearly, protection must always be used, alcohol and other drugs must be avoided, and jurisdictional laws must be observed. The general rule is: Be guided by discretion, common sense, and instinct; and err on the side of caution.

Obviously, once a gentleman enters a committed relationship, Spontaneous Sex encounters with persons outside the partnership—regardless of how adventurous or titillating they may seem—become violations of the committed relationship and must be avoided, for at that point such encounters cease being regarded as “adventurous” and are more appropriately branded as “adulterous.” It is often said that “youth is wasted on the young.” It would, therefore, behoove a young gentleman to capture those moments that are the gifts of youth while he is in his youth.

Release- Sex

There are people all over the world who have sex each night before retiring for the evening—not necessarily because they are in very passionate relationships, but because having had sex allows them to relax and sleep better. Passion, to the extent that there is any in this type of sex, is incidental or tangential to the intended outcome, which for males is ejaculation. Release-Sex is more akin to bi-lateral masturbation than to sex. But there is a place for such sex in a gentleman’s life. Frequent sex with a partner tends to engender intimacy. And as the saying goes, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,” so nightly sex and the attendant release of tension probably contribute to the advancement of a gentleman’s career. Studies also show that regular sex imparts certain physical and psychological benefits as well—from boosting self-esteem and the immune system to reducing chronic pain and the risk of prostate cancer. So at the end of the day, Release-Sex does the body good. What is critical is that a gentleman be honest with his partner so that Release-Sex be mutually understood as such and not be allowed to masquerade as something more emotionally profound.

Hedonistic Sex

There is tea, and then there is high tea. And there is a time and place for each. Similarly, there is “high sex” (discussed below), but then there is also Hedonistic Sex. And there is a time and place for each of those too. Hedonistic Sex is sex purely for pleasure—plain, simple, unadulterated pleasure. And at least once in a young gentleman’s life (but, hopefully, more than just once), he should have sexual intercourse with what he regards to be the ideal, physical specimen of a human being—purely for pleasure. Some young men were blessed with sufficient natural charms so as to facilitate such encounters. More power to such young men! But if a young gentleman must get into his car and drive to a neighboring city, jump onto a bus and ride across the country, or hop onto an airplane and fly trans- or inter-continentally, then, after all that, spend his hard-earned money to pay for that sexual experience (legally, or course), he should by all means do it. It will be well worth the trip and more.

Standing naked in front of beauty is an uplifting experience that every man should have in his physical prime. And being able to sexually experience what he regards as ultimate beauty is his birthright—just as his membership in humanity entitles him to stand, awestruck, before Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus or be soothed by the serenity of Michelangelo’s Pieta.

Despite the profound, invasive appearance of sex, it can, ironically, be very superficial—though sometimes delightfully so. And such is the case with Hedonistic Sex in its purest form. The key to good Hedonistic Sex is the arousal stage, which should be extended as long as possible so as to fully indulge the five senses, for at the moment of orgasm, the mission of Hedonistic Sex is accomplished, and each party would oftentimes just as well wish for the disappearance of the other. But despite that temptation, it is important that a gentleman always behave like a gentleman. Accordingly, after orgasm, he should resist the urge to immediately get up, get dressed, and leave and instead engage in “post-play,” which can creatively entail anything from extended displays of affection to complimentary remarks, tidying up the bed, showering together, and applying after-shower moisturizer to the skin of his partner. A hug and a kiss immediately prior departure are generally well-received.

When the Hedonistic Sex is not the result of a mutual attraction, but is instead a legal exchange of sex for monetary compensation, it is important that the gentleman, shortly after arriving and engaging in a series of courteous exchanges, demonstrate his ability to pay for his pleasure (in the act of “fore-pay”), though the money should remain in his possession until the end of the encounter, the rationale being that for many people in the business of sex, the real “orgasm” occurs upon payment. Tendering payment in advance, then, would oftentimes render the entire experience—from “fore-pay” to foreplay to intercourse to post-play—anticlimactic for the paid partner, with adverse, collateral effects upon the gentleman. There are occasions, of course, when there is a mutual attraction between the gentleman and the sex professional. In such cases, the financially compensated partner experiences two “orgasms” of sorts, one physical and one fiscal.

But whether the Hedonistic Sex is the result of mutual attraction or financial transaction, it is important that a gentleman be relatively experienced in sexual intercourse before encountering his ideal specimen, for nervousness generally impedes sexual performance.

Despite the superficial, emotionally detached nature of Hedonistic Sex, proper comportment is required. A gift should be presented upon arrival. A bottle of wine, a modest bouquet of flowers, or a basket of fresh fruits would be appropriate. When the Hedonistic Sex is the result of a mutual attraction, in addition to the gift, the gentleman must, without exception, call his partner the following morning to extend personal thanks for the special companionship. When the encounter is paid-for, an appropriate tip given prior to departure is suggested, and a thank-you card should be mailed the following morning (if an address is available). A gentleman should always demonstrate special attention and sensitivity, especially in matters of intimacy. And special attention should be paid to ensure that sex professionals are spiritually, emotionally, physically, and fiscally uplifted in their encounters with a gentleman.

If a gentleman intends to have multiple Hedonistic Sex encounters with the same partner, or if the relationship unfolds as such, it is absolutely necessary that there be a mutual understanding and agreement for emotional detachment.

Hedonistic Sex, besides satisfying a gentleman’s natural, God-given desire to attain that which is beautiful, is also good for a gentleman’s long-term sexual health: If he is wise, he will learn, sooner rather than later, that sex, regardless of how exciting it may be or seem to be, quickly becomes routine and boring (sometimes after just five or ten minutes into the act) when it is not merged with emotions and love. To put it succinctly: There is sometimes less to physical beauty than meets the eye. But that is a valuable lesson that is perhaps best learned from personal experience. And when a gentleman learns that valuable lesson, he will, himself, relegate Hedonistic Sex to its appropriate, but necessary, place in his sex life.


Sexual intercourse engaged in as an expression of love is in effect an attempt by two people to merge themselves—their physical selves and their soul-selves—into one being. And it is an experience that every gentleman should aspire towards. Love-sex, also called “making love,” occurs when two people are in-love or are on the path thereto (See chapter on “Personal and Intimate Relationships”) and engage in sexual intercourse as an expression of profound affection and intimacy. Physical attributes—as characterized and stratified by society at large—are of little or no significance to the lovers. The beauty that is of importance to them is the beauty that they see and celebrate in each other. In the act of sex, their voices soften and are of a higher pitch, as when speaking with deference to a parent or affectionately to an infant; terms of endearment are frequently used; the urges to please and serve are heightened; giving is the aim, while receiving is the incidental, collateral result. At orgasm, only the physical selves separate; the soul-selves remain merged.

Despite the intimate bonds that exist between people who are in-love, Love-Sex should never be taken for granted. It should be the goal of a gentleman to attempt to make each successive love-making act more interesting and loving than the one that preceded it. Regardless of how long the lovers have been lovers, a gentleman must continuously strive to please and excite his lover. He must be creative, exciting, innovative, and unpredictable in his expressions of love and love-making. And at the end of each act of intimacy, he should present his partner with a simple-but-special gift: A beautiful shell picked up along the shoreline, transferred from his mouth to that of his lover’s during an intimate kiss; a multi-hued maple leaf placed upon the lover’s pillow; a copy of the lovers’ first e-mail exchange.

Procreative Sex—High Sex

Sexual intercourse engaged in by two people who are in-love, with the specific intention of sexually expressing that love for the purpose of producing offspring, is the highest form or sexual intercourse, for at the moment of orgasm, the lovers are as God-like as they will ever be. Like God, the mother and father of creation, they too, when the female’s egg embraces the male’s sperm, have inspired creation, and as such are acting in the image and likeness of God. When a gentleman engages in Procreative Sex, he must acknowledge the presence of God and act accordingly.

A healthy sex life is a major component of overall health and happiness. And in order to cultivate a healthy sex life, a gentleman must explore sex, for a sexually content, 21st-century gentleman is one step closer to being inclined towards realizing his life’s mission of graciously serving others.

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